Thursday 31 January 2008
Relationships are not static. There are dynamics between couples that create patterns over time. They evolve and change from the beginning to the end. There are many stages of marriage/relationship. At each stage the relationship needs to reorganize. At some stages the degree of reorganization is greater than others. Healthy couples reorganize in healthy ways. During the reorganization periods, whether the relationship continues or not may come into question. In order to reorganize, that is, give up old patterns, even healthy couples sometimes ‘go to the brink’. When old patterns go into chaos a new patterns form.
To better understand what is happening in a relationship at any given time it is helpful to look the bigger picture of the relationship than to focus on the thin slice of one stage.
Stage 1: Two single people become a couple.
Stage 2: The couple moves from living separately to living together.
Stage 3: The couple marries. (Stages 2 and 3 may happen simultaneously)
Stage 4: The couple become a family. (With blended families Stages 2, 3 and/or 4 may occur together.)
Stage 5: The first child enters school.
Stage 6: The last child enters school.
Stage 7: The first child enters puberty.
Stage 8: The last child enters puberty.
Stage 9: The first child leaves home.
Stage 10: The last child leaves home.
Stage 11: One spouse retires.
Stage 12: The other spouse retires. (stages 11 and 12 may happen simultaneously.)
Stage 12: One spouse dies.
When relationships become troubled they rarely disintegrate immediately. They usually fall apart over months or years, often with several periods of separation and reconciliation. Even relationships/marriages that remain in tact are not necessarily healthy. Sometimes one spouse may seriously consider ending the relationship but never does so. It is as if he or she has one foot in the relationship and one foot out. The other partner could end the relationship but does not. Living this way is stressful for each partner.
There are always factors that stress the relationship, financial issues, drug and alcohol problems, household chores and maintenance, childrearing, illness/accident/death of a child, parents/in-laws, illness of one or both spouses, affairs, too much work, not enough work, too much money, not enough money, etc.
When a couple has a good working relationship they can handle problematic situations well or they will seek resources, such as counselling, financial planners etc, to help them. Working together they collaborate on how to handle positive and negative situations in ways that take the best interests of all couple/family members into consideration. One partner is not responsible for making the decisions. The marriage/relationship becomes an entity that each can rely on to find comfort, safety, and joy as well as to solve problems. When couples have a good working relationship and find pleasure and companionship in each other, each partner is less likely to become involved in an affair(s).
Couples that do not have a good working relationship feel alone and burdened by problems that often are difficult or impossible to resolve. They are less able to comfort each other and give each other joy because the unresolved issues create an invisible barrier between them. Buried resentment is the biggest killer of sexual desire. Because each partner is not getting their emotional needs met within the relationship each is more susceptible to either actively looking outside the relationship or being more emotionally available to attention from outside the relationship.
The goal of couples counselling is to facilitate the couple developing a good working relationship so that they can handle whatever life hands them. The counsellor’s role is to help them reorganize their relationship so that it improves. The couple learn skills and ways of being with each other that work. Gradually the couple get to the place where they no longer need the counsellor’s help. A relationship therapist’s job is to work him or herself out of a job.
Two single people become a couple. Each partner has to adapt to being in a couple relationship by changing his or her lifestyle. They commit themselves to each other, become monogamous and are no longer interested in or seek out new love interests. They begin to develop patterns between them that determine how the relationship is going to be. At this point each partner is still wooing the other and presenting the best side of him or herself.
Stage 2: Consolidation
Couple moves from living separately to living together. When a couple shares their lives intimately all the dimensions of their character become known to each other. (In rare cases can an individual hide aspects of him or herself from their partner and if so often the partner is turning a blind eye, consciously or unconsciously.)
In the first year of living together the patterns become established. This is best time to create positive patterns because there are no entrenched negative patterns to struggle against. During this time the couple experiment and/or struggle with developing a working relationship to handle issues, such as household chores, money, sex, leisure time, activities, socializing, extended family and in-laws, time alone, etc.
Stage 3: The couple marries
Signing the dotted line: (Stages 2 and 3 may happen simultaneously. Some couples choose to bypass stage 3.)
Everyone has conscious and unconscious ideas about marriage. It comes from growing up experiencing and watching your own parents’ marriage(s), grandparents’ marriages, neighbours’ marriages, friends’ parents’ marriages, TV/movie marriages, religious teachings about marriage etc. Living together may or may not be the same as married. When people sign the legal document their ideas of marriage come into effect in a way that does not happen when they are living together. It’s an important adjustment to be aware of. For couples with a good working relationship this stage can take their relationship to another deeper, richer more solid dimension
There is something about signing the dotted line that brings to the foreground perceptions of marriage that are a non issues when living together. There is nothing right or wrong, good or bad about this happening. It happens and it’s helpful to be aware of it because then you can consciously reorganize rather than reactively reorganize. Many couples have lived together for months or years only to get separate and divorce shortly after getting married.
Stage 4: Becoming a family (The Mega Change stage)
The first child is born. Shifting from a couple into a family requires the most reorganization of all of the stages. Why? There is so much change! This stage can bring the most joy and sense of purpose in life even though it is stressful. It adds another dimension of connection between the couple now they have blood ties to each other.
Change. It is amazing how a tiny baby can effect so much change! Each partner’s life changes dramatically. Mother’s life changes the most. A lot of the affection and care-giving that had been focused on her husband now goes toward her child(ren). Having preschoolers is highly demanding of time and energy. Most mothers put their own lives on hold while they have babies. Most mothers want to do this. Even if a mother continues to work, her priorities change and she is still most likely to put her infants and toddlers first. Mother Nature planned it that way for survival of the species.
Father’s life changes too. A healthy father wants his child(ren) to have the attention and love they need. At the same time he has to make do with less attention, love and affection from his wife than he enjoyed before the babies came. This occurs at a time when he is feeling the stress of more responsibilities.
Many differences, that were either non-issues or mildly troublesome before, now come to the foreground. Issues such as tidiness/messiness, religious differences and other standard and values need to be addressed in a new way. Wants and needs change. Each partner often has different wants and needs. The couple have to deal with these differences.
There is much less time and energy left for the relationship. Having fun seems like a like a faded memory. Each wants comfort and help from the other because they often feel overwhelmed, exhausted and alone. When they cannot get what they yearn for, each feels deprived and letdown. When couples do not carve time out of their busy lives to be with each other they tend to lose their connection. Many couples disengage from each other yet maintain a common goal in parenting. This makes the relationship vulnerable to break-up as the children grow older. If they do not reorganize well at this stage, each following stage is more difficult to reorganize. The relationship is more likely to go into crisis in later stages.
Research shows the stage of having preschoolers is the most difficult stage of marriage. John Gottman, Ph.D states “ We are now in year four of a four-year study on the transition to parenthood. While this period hold potential for great joy in a parent’s life, our research shows that shortly after the birth of their child, approximately two-thirds of couples will experience a significant drop in relationship quality, a dramatic increase in conflict and hostility, and a in increase in postpartum depression. These negative changes in the relationship result in compromised parenting and put children at risk for mental and behavioural problems and cognitive delays. In a randomized clinical trial study using a two-day workshop we designed, we found that many of these negative effects can be reversed *
Couples that reorganize well make time for each other. They keep emotionally and physically connected to each other. They pay attention to each other’s wants and needs. They maintain respect for each other. A good working relationship helps them resolve differences. A good working relationship helps them identify and achieve individual, couple and family goals. Couples that feel emotionally and physically connected to each resolve differences more easily. When a couple reorganize well in this stage, they are more easily able to handle the reorganization of later stages.
Stage 5: The first child enters school
Expanding into the world: When the first child goes to school outside influences have more of an impact upon the family. The couple need to reorganize on how to respond to and manage these influences, as their eldest child becomes more of an individual and pioneers the way for how this family is going to function.
Stage 6: The last child enters school
Mother’s life come off hold.
Stage 7: The first child enters puberty
Stage 8: The last child enters puberty
No more little children. This is an important stage as each member of the couple realizes one day there will be no children at home and wonders how solid the relationship is. This may happen consciously or unconsciously. A healthy couple will start to refocus on their relationship and make the changes what they need to make. They start to spend more time together alone. They work together to make it richer so they still want to be together when the children are one their own. Healthy parents want their children to become independent adults.
Many couples work well together when their children are young because they have the shared value of With unhealthy relationship the disintegration starts when the child enters puberty, but separation may not occur until the child is ready to leave home or does leave home.
Stage 9: First child leaves home.
Stage 10: Last child leaves home.
Stage 11: Retirement.
One spouse usually retires before the other.
As people are living longer there are more relationships breaking up after 20-30 years.
Stage 12: One spouse dies.
When relationships do go into crisis they rarely just disintegrate immediately. They usually disintegrate over months or years, often with several periods of separation and reconciliation. Even relationships/marriages that remain in tact are not necessarily healthy. Sometimes one spouse may seriously consider ending the relationship but never does so.