B-Sort Relationship Advice Blog

Dear Dr.B,
I have been single for over 10 years having had a somewhat meaningful marriage with 3 wonderful grown children. Apart from explaining HOW the marriage dissolved, I am perplexed of just how the dating game evolves when you are all of a sudden in your 6th decade!! I feel like I am a normal kind of girl….I am young at heart,educated and successful in business, nice looking,resourceful,entertaining, and always looking for new opportunities to challenge me.
I have tried professional dating services in the past, including even Internet dating sites. Only by coaxing! My question is simply this…..are there no real honest men “out there” actually interested in persuing a friendship, maybe leading into something more meaningful?
Am I too powerful, too accomplished, too independent? Do men my age,these days ,only need someone to pick up their smelly socks? ….or needing to show off a “trophie” half their age?
Please give me guidance on whether I should ‘change’ my first impression of myself to suit them? No, I’d say.That would backfire. Am I too picky? What are the ‘golden’ boys looking for, and how can I be more marketable?
I also don’t believe I HAVE to have a man in my life, or be married, to be complete. I simply WANT a strong and genuine relationship to enhance my retired and best years of my life…with no game playing…
Signed, Concerned and Frustrated.

Dear Longing for Love,

It’s true that finding love is difficult. In late teens and 20s there is a large pool of people to choose from. As we age that pool gets smaller and smaller. There are many good men ‘out there’ that you would not want to be romantically involved with because you just don’t ‘click’ with them. It is very difficult to find someone that you want to live that intimately with for the rest of your life. Even younger people these days are finding it difficult to find ‘the one’ and many are settling for ‘the one right now’. For a woman in her 60’s the pool of potential partners is small. There are many mature women who are vibrant, interesting and fun yet are single, not by choice but because they cannot find partners. It is good that you do not NEED a partner. You are more likely to find one.

If you have not done so already, you might consider relationships from your past - someone you once ‘clicked’ with. Many people are reconnecting with former lovers and re-finding love. The divorce rate for people who were sweethearts and/or lovers 15-20-30 years ago and marry is only 3-4%.

Be open to a relationship. Ask your good friends to give you feedback as to whether or not you act open. Sometimes we think we are open when we are not.

Keep doing what you are doing - engaging in activities that you enjoy, exploring the dating sites and connecting with other interesting people, male and female. That way you continue to live life to the fullest and have more chance of meeting someone, or a friend of someone, who enjoys life the way you do.

Good luck,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Do it Yourself Relationship Help at B-Sort.com

One of the most common mistakes couples make when they are talking is to attempt to find a solution too early. In general, it is normal for men to jump at finding a solution when their partner starts discussing an issue. Sometimes it is the other way around with women assuming they know what their partner wants or needs before they have enough information.

Men and women have different styles of communicating. As Debroah Tannen describes in her article “Can’t we Talk”, found at www.h2limousine.com, men usually talk to gain status in relationship and women usually talk to make connection.

Before you offer a solution you need to know what the problem is, or , if indeed, there is a problem at all. To find this out, you need to know your partner’s point of view on the issue. What do they think, what do they feel about it, what is motivating their behaviors?

Usually the listener wants to give their point of view before they have clearly and fully heard their partner’s point of view. That is what makes most discussions or arguments go off the rails, morphing into a battle of “I want to tell you my point of view before I hear your point of view” or “I want to tell you what is wrong with your point of view.”
Before you offer a solution, find out more information. Listen closely to your partner’s point of view. Keep it simple, say, “Tell me more.” Be curious. Find out your partner’s thoughts, feelings and actions about the issue. As you listen, avoid being judgmental in words, tone of voice, and other non-verbal gestures (e.g. eye rolling, fidgeting).

When you have done this you will have a better idea whether or not there is a problem. If there is, you will be clearer as to what the solution might be. If the purpose of the discussion was to connect, a solution may not be necessary or even wanted.

When you have done all of this, you can give your point of view and your partner will most likely be open to hearing it.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Do it Yourself Relationship Help at B-Sort.com

On the drive to Alexandria where SS grew up, I noticed some large white cone structures with holes all over them. Amongst ourselves we discussed what they might be for. The holes might be for air-conditioning was one idea. We asked our guide who told us that they were for farming pigeons – considered a delicacy. My friend SS commented that pigeon was similar to quail.

In Alexandria, SS’s mother, along with her brother, invited us all out to dinner at an amazing restaurant that once was a palace that belonged to King Farouk’s wife. It was an opulent palace, in some ways a museum, with furniture, art and artifacts from the time of his reign. It had photos of King Farouk as a child on the walls. The menus were amazing with photos throughout of King Farouk in various uniforms. I would have like to have kept one of those. The elegance and grandness of the room in which we dined was impressive.

At the beginning of the dinner SS gave us each a gift – a gold cartouche with our name in Hieroglyphics on it. Her Egyptian friend, NR, who had joined our group, gave each of us a souvenir of Egypt. The generosity of our hosts was overwhelming. We were all quieter than usual. We were tired and I was sick with a bad cough and cold. I can’t speak for the others, but I know I was quiet because I felt somewhat overwhelmed by their generosity.

When it came time to order I saw that they had pigeon on the menu. SS had said it was like quail. I had had pheasant before and it was succulent and delicious. I grew up on a farm in southern Manitoba. As a child one of the things I liked to do was climb up the ladder to the roof of the barn and look at the pigeons nesting there. First to see the eggs. Then to see the newly hatch fledglings. Then to see the ugly awkward babies with their feathers growing in. We never ate them.

Even so, I ordered a ‘pair of pigeons’ from the menu. When my meal came and the waiter put it down before me I was shocked. My friend sitting beside me, who shall remain nameless, leaned over and whispered, “It looks like road kill.” My thought (which I kept to myself) “Exactly!” There were two flat leathery blackish brown or brownish black inkblots on the plate. They looked like they had just been scraped of the road on a hot summer day. I felt very awkward. I did not want to offend my generous and gracious hosts. So I started to eat it. I tried to cut it with a knife and fork. No way, it was too tough. Then I picked it up and tried to separate a limb from the body. With effort I was able to do it. Tender it was not! When I went to take a bite of it all I got was some greasy skin. There was little meat that I could detect. It was not like any quail or pheasant I had tasted. I still did not want to offend my hosts so I pushed the pigeons around my plate for a while. I did not go hungry. The portions were generous and my friends shared their meals with me. After the plates were cleared the waiter brought me a fingerbowl of lemon-scent water to wash my fingers. I was relieved because it meant to me that I was expected to use my hands to eat it. The meal ended with some delicious fresh fruit for dessert.

After some more photos in this luxurious palace we said our good-byes to our wonderful hosts and sauntered back to our hotel.

Well, at least I tried it.

Enjoy,

Dr. Bea Mackay

B-Sort.com

P.S. How often in relationships do we try to avoid offending or hurting others?

This little question, “What am I feeling?” opens up a discussion far too vast for this tiny little post to properly address, but despite this obvious limitation, this post is still valuable because it can act as a beginning. It can act as a beginning, and it can act as a reminder, a reminder that knowing what you’re feeling is an important, even an essential part of a successful loving relationship.

And if, at this particular time of reading, you are experiencing a few bumps in your relationship, asking yourself this question, and then attempting to answer it, can move you closer to resolving those troubles and returning your relationship to a state of smooth sailing.

To begin this beginning properly, I have to point out that to answer this question, to discover what you are feeling, you do indeed have to feel your feelings. To many, this is obvious, but there are few people out there who think they can answer this question without actually feeling their feelings. These people think they can just look at their relationship and then decide how they should be feeling. Then they declare without an ounce of anger that, “I am feeling angry.” But even if their evaluation is bang on, there is no way of getting around it, to truly know what you’re feeling you have to feel your feelings. But like many other things in life, this is easier said then done.

You see, those people who opt to evaluate how they should be feeling, rather than actually feeling their feelings often do so not out of some kind of malevolence, but because they have become separated from their emotions, and they are not alone.

We each have our own unique ways of separating ourselves from our emotions. And we each selectively choose which emotions, among the full range of emotion, to stay connected to and which to separate from. We have already chosen, even if that choice is by default, which emotions to keep at a distance, and we each have our own unique ways of maintaining that distance. But then the question is put, “What are you feeling?” It is no wonder that we can suddenly find ourselves at a bit of a loss in answering, even when we know how essential it is.

This is where outside help can be invaluable. Whether that is going to a counsellor individually or with your partner, or by using the B-Sort, getting an outside perspective can help you reconnect with what you are feeling. And for those of you who have no problem feeling your feelings, an outside perspective can help you to clarify your feelings, and it can help you give them priority.

Reconnecting, clarifying, prioritizing your feelings - an outside perspective can absolutely help you with this, but it is valuable to be able to do this yourself. It is valuable to be able to respond to the question, “What am I feeling?” all by yourself.

To be continued…