B-Sort Relationship Advice Blog

For people who are conflicted about remaining in their relationship, Valentine’s Day can be a day to dread, along with anniversaries and family holidays. The conflict people already feel is escalated trying to figure out what to do about it.

Do you try to ignore it? Maybe arrange to be out of town on business or visiting relatives. Do you fake it - pretend everything is fine in the relationship? Buy a loving card, gift and arrange to eat out? Send flowers? But that means giving your partner false hope. You don’t want to do that either. But mostly, you don’t want to fight about it because that will just be painful.

What to do? What to do? What to do?

If you were my client I would work with you to find out what works best for you given your situation. However, since that is not an option, here is another possibiltiy.

Be congruent. It is usually best to be congruent. Tell your partner that you are not feeling good about the relationship right now and you would like to be low key about how the two of you celebrate it. Suggest that you go to a (non romantic) movie together.

For today, get through the day as best you can. For tomorrow, (i.e. the near future), what you need to do is resolve your inner conflict about your relationship. Try your best to repair it, because if you are able to, it will be worth it. Couples who overcome adversity have stronger happier marriages. And, if you are unable to, you will know you did everything you could before you gave up. Then start taking the actions required to end it.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Do it Yourself Relationship Help at B-Sort.com

What’s it like to be conflicted in a relationship?

People who are conflicted are constantly thinking about the pros and cons of leaving and the pros and cons of staying. They constantly question what they think and what they feel. As well, most of the time they are feeling pain and distress that varies from mild to severe. They try all sorts of things to improve the relationship - reasoning, convincing, pleading, buying things, going on holidays, adapting, adjusting, individual and couple counselling, etc. Some people blame their partners and some blame themselves.

When people who are conflicted still cannot get their needs met they often give up and resign themselves to the relationship the way it is. To endure it, they do many things to distract from the pain and sense of powerlessness. If there are children they will focus on them. Many people turn to their children and pets for love and affection because they cannot get those needs met from their spouse. They may work longer hours, go out often with friends, spend more time doing hobbies such as sports, gardening, chess, music, video games and partying. If there is no love in the relationship they may experience grief and loss of ever finding love and happiness. They may numb out the pain with affairs, gambling, drinking and/or drugging.

Thinking about breaking up and actually breaking up are two different things. At one time the pendulum swings toward breaking up. An unhappy spouse will think and think and think about breaking up and finally get to the point where action is required. To take the actions necessary to break up is very difficult. Taking action creates conflict and emotional pain. It evokes fears. The pendulum swings back again, giving relief from the potential stress.

Most people are conflicted about staying in or ending their relationship at one time or another. Even people who remain married or in relationship for the rest of their lives still go through natural developmental stages that bring into question whether or not to stay together. Couples that have developed a good working relationship usually are able to negotiated these times easily. Their relationship remains healthy and evolves to the next stage. But couples who have not been able to develop a way to handle differences and resolve problems have a much more difficult time going these stages. Their relationships are more likely to become unhealthy and get stuck at one stage or another. When relationships get stuck, one or both members of the couple then tend to swing back and forth, like a pendulum, between staying and leaving.

Relationships and marriages are rarely all bad. When they are, there is no decision about whether or not to end it, it is a matter of, if it is possible, and if so, when. In very abusive relationships it may be dangerous to leave. Research shows that in such marriages a spouse is most likely to be harmed when he or she tries to leave the relationship. Children are often at risk during this time as well.

Relationships may be a ratio of 80/20% bad to good or 60/40% bad to good, or even 70/30% good to bad. When an unhappy spouse thinks of leaving what comes to the foreground is the grief and loss about the good in the relationship that they have to give up. No one wants to give up the good stuff! They fear that they may never find it again. They often confuse grief and loss with love. That’s when the pendulum starts to swing the other way. As they start to think again about staying, the grief and loss dissipates. Now they continue to swing toward staying and again investing themselves in the marriage. But then the difficulties in the relationship come to the foreground. They feel the pain of ongoing interactions that are painful and stressful. They start to dread certain times such as coming home and spending time together. They dread special days such as Christmas, Thanksgiving, Valentine’s Day and anniversaries. They may fantasize about their spouse having a fatal car accident or dying of a disease. When it gets to be more than they can stand the pendulum starts to swing back the other way. Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth. Sometimes the pendulum goes slowly back and forth. Sometimes a particular event or interaction may trigger the pendulum to swing quickly from one side to the other.

It takes action to change this distressful pattern - actions that invest oneself again in the relationship and either attempts to make the relationship better or just tolerate it the way it is. And, it requires actions to exit.

When people do take actions often their lives go into chaos. The old patterns, routines and habits are shaken up. While shaking up a stuck relationship is required to reorganize, it is extremely stressful for all involved. During this stage many people will reconcile, not because they want the relationship, but because they want to stop the confusion, stress, fear and emotional pain. They long for the familiar even that is stressful too. At least they know that stress. The pendulum swings back again.

Couples often break up and reconcile several times before they finally make the changes needed to stay together. Some people change only when the stakes are high. In marriage break up, the stakes can be very high. Or, before they finally break up for good.

It is very difficult to take the actions needed to stop the pendulum from swinging.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Do it Yourself Relationship Help at B-Sort.com

I found an article called Methods For Changing Your Relationships from MentalHelp.net that highlights the dilemma many people face when unhappy with their relationship.

According to the authors: “There are essentially two different kinds of relationship problems. Either people do not have sufficient relationships (or sufficient quality of relationships), or they have relationships, but those relationships are conflicted in some manner so that they don’t satisfy, or are a source of pain.”

The poor quality relationship, and the conflicted/painful relationship, is hard to live with because they often lead to pain and loneliness. We have identified a list of symptoms of a troubled relationship in another post and this can be a good way to reflect on your own situation. And, the B-sort tool we provide on this site also provides feedback you can use to evaluate your own unique situation.

“Some people stay in such relationships and make due with their pain, while others leave and face a different sort of difficulty; that of finding new relationships that will work out better.”

This can be a hard time to make a decision. You may have decided that you want to make a positive change in your relationship situation — either a fresh start with someone new or to repair and improve your existing one. Either way, you’ll have to be willing to do some personal work and be nice to another person! Most people already know what this means because it comes so naturally during the courtship phase. But being nice can be difficult to do if other negative relationship patterns have taken hold.

Also, many people find themselves conflicted and they oscillate between wanting to leave, and wanting to fix, their relationship. This pattern also can make it difficult to reach a decision about what to do and how to take action in order to change it. One pattern that anyone can use to help improve their relationship is to make many small ‘nice’ gestures to your partner, and do it often, rather than making the occasional intense expression. These minor interactions are bids for connection and they are an important part of maintaining a good quality of relationship and helping to minimize conflict.

The conclusion of the article? “What sets … regular satisfied types apart from other less-satisfied people are their mastery of social skills” — and that involves knowing how to connect with your partner, making those bids for connection often, and simply knowing how to be nice.

Chapter 8 : Methods For Changing Your Relationships
From Mental Health.net’s online Self-Help Resource
Written by: Mark Dombeck, Ph.D. and Jolyn Wells-Moran, Ph.D.

Research shows that in courtship there are 20-50 positive interactions to every one negative interaction. That is a lot of nice behaviors! No wonder courtship is so enjoyable. In happy marriages there are 5 positive interactions to every one negative interaction. In unhappy relationships there are many more negative interactions to each positive interaction. When there are more positive interactions than negative interactions it is easier to over come or recover from difficulties in a relationship.

Relationships are interactive. You and your partner co-create the dynamics in your relationship. You cannot create what happens between you and your partner all by yourself. Believe this, even if your partner is constantly letting you know in various ways that “It’s all your fault.”

On the other hand, you can make changes all by yourself and those changes will impact upon your partner. Your partner usually, I repeat usually, responds to your changes with their changes. Maybe the change will be positive. Maybe the change will be negative. But be sure, that there will be some kind of change. Keep the behaviors that enhance the relationship and discard those that make it worse.

Begin with small positive interactions. Too much too soon can feel awkward and uncomfortable for each partner.

To be nice is to be kind, considerate, thoughtful, appreciative, helpful, affectionate, caring, thankful, tender and warm. It is also to acknowledge your partners efforts, abilities, talents, skills, sorrows, struggles and hardships.

When you start making changes be prepared for some resistance. Relationships develop repetitive patterns and each partner will have habitual ways of maintaining the status quo. Often when one person changes the other will respond with behaviors that attempt to get their partner to return to the old behaviors. That’s normal because we all like familiarity and find change unsettling. Don’t hold that against your spouse.

Don’t expect positive change from your partner any time soon. Once a partner realizes that the change is for real, he or she will adjust. So be patient. If, your true intent is to control or manipulate your partner, or to show you are better than your partner, then your relationship will become more troubled than it already is. If, in your heart, you are motivated by love for your partner and a genuine desire for a better connection, then the changes will most likely enhance your relationship. Only you can decide the quality of your intent.

Often one partner starts being nice (or nicer) again to their spouse only to find there is no reciprocation. Or worse, the reaction is sarcasm, as in, “Oh, you’re sooo sweet.”. Or just silence. Or skepticism, as in, “What do you want from me?” Or sabotage, as in “Cut the crap.” After a short while the one who initiated change gives up and goes back to the old ways, feeling powerless and even more discouraged.

When you want change, decide to be nicer to your partner without any demand or expectation that they respond in the same way. This is key! If they respond to niceness with niceness - Great! But if they don’t, it probably means they are wary of being taken in and afraid of being hurt (again). By continuing to behave according to your goal of enhancing your relationship, in spite of your partners negative reactions, you will be doing what you want to do. You will feel good about yourself. You will be able to look in the mirror and say to yourself, “I know I am trying by best”. Over time your partner experiences your efforts as genuine and enduring - i.e. believable, not just a flash in the pan. Over time, ongoing positive behaviors are likely to soften resentment, heal hurts and demonstrate genuine intent to improve the relationship.

Whether your relationship endures or not, you have nothing to lose by being nicer to your partner and a lot to gain.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Do it Yourself Relationship Help at B-Sort.com