B-Sort Relationship Advice Blog

The After the Fact communication skill is one of the many communication skills that I teach my clients. It is a very useful skill that facilitates connection between partners.

Many clients tell me that during a discussion, argument or fight they often cannot think of what to say in the moment but then later, they come up with what they could have or should have said. They find this very frustrating.

For some reason, spouses often think if they missed out saying or doing something in the moment that nothing can be done. So they do nothing. Often they stew or ruminate about it but it does not occur to them that they could possibly remedy the situation.

It is not always possible to think of what to say or do in the moment. Sometimes people are distracted with something or someone else. When people are anxious they often cannot think, so they say or do nothing. Or, they may blurt out something they don’t mean or something that is not even relevant. Sometimes people laugh in situations like this and the laughter is misunderstood.

In ongoing relationships it is always possible to bring up an issue later. Later can be minutes, hours, days or even years. This keeps the lines of communication open and strengthens the connection between couples.

Examples:

A while ago you said ………. to me . I was surprised and didn’t know what to say. Well, now that I’ve had a chance to think about it I …………

You know yesterday when we were talking about …………… I kind of blurted out …………. I didn’t mean it. What I wished I’d said to you was………….

I’ve been thinking about what we talked about last week, you know, about ……… I want to add …………….. and let you to know it’s important to me that ……………

It’s been a month since we had that fight about ………. It is still bothering me. Let’s talk about it again.

When we married (10 years ago) you said you never wanted to ……………. I want to know if that is still true for you.

When people use the After the Fact communication skill frequently, the time between the incident and the delayed communication tends to shorten. Gradually, the time becomes so short that partners are better able to think of what they want to say or do what they want to do in the moment. It’s not essential to occur in the moment, After the Fact is just fine.

The After the Fact skill is extremely helpful to keep a couple emotionally connected with positive feedback and behaviors.

Examples:

I really had a good time last night. (One partner to another about making love.)

You know, last week when we went to the concert I was so focused on getting there on time I didn’t tell you how great you looked.

The last time my parents were over you treated them really well. I appreciate how welcome you made them feel.

While the After the Fact communication skill is really helpful for couples, it is also helpful in many other situations as well - parenting, work, and social interactions.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Do it Yourself Relationship Help at B-Sort.com

When I am working with couples I find that partners hear the words each other says but they do not hear the messages sent by the words. They interrupt each other. Some talk over each other. Some feel attacked and defend their positions. Others defend themselves by attacking and accusing the other. The talker talks more and often louder. The quiet one talks less and withdraws even further. The fixer tries to fix. Neither seems to be willing to listen to the other’s point of view until they have had their point of view heard. Often each is caught up in the need to be right or the partner who hates confrontation often caves in in the face of heated emotion.

To help couples change how they interact I facilitate a dialogue between the partners by using myself as a filter. If a couple tells me about an argument or fight they had outside the therapy office I do not know what went on. I did not hear the words. I did not see the body language or the behaviors. In my office, I can see and hear what is going on. I hear the words. I see the body language. I can see what is working well in the relationship and I can build on that. I also can see what is getting in the way. I can intervene and address the problematic interactions right then.

I ask one partner to start to talk to the other about a contentious issue but to do it through me. I listen very carefully to what is said and then I take what is said and reflect it to his or her partner. Sometimes I use the same words and sometimes I say the same thing only using different words. Then I ask their partner to respond to what was said. I do the same thing; I listen carefully, then I take what was said and reflect it back to their partner.

I block interruptions. This forces them to sit and listen to their partner twice, once when their partner is talking and once while I am talking. This forces them to truly listen instead of thinking of their rebuttal while their partner is still talking. Then they get to respond and say whatever they want.

I discourage solutions at this point because the real problem has not been identified. It is counter productive to try to solve a problem when you don’t know if there is a problem or what the problem really is.

The dialogue continues back and forth. Through this process things start to shift. Partners begin to hear the messages the other is sending. They start to understand their partner’s point of view. They learn new things about their partners. Misunderstandings get clarified.

Through this process we are able to discover what the real problem is. Once identified we can explore what changes are possible.

I ask each partner to stop trying to change other. I tell them that the one person you can change is yourself. If you change, your partner will usually respond to your change with change. Of course there is no guarantee that your partner will change or even change in a positive way, but most of the time partners do respond to change with change. Change is what is needed.

I work with each partner right there and then to find changes they can make and are willing to make. I check with their spouse to see that he or she will respond positively to those changes.

Each one is to be responsible for his or her own changes. Each one is to work on their own changes regardless of whether their partner does or not. If their partner does not work on their changes they are to bring that complaint to the next session.

Now something different can happen between the couple. They are to come back next session and report what worked well and what was problematic. We build on what went well and address what is still not working.

With care and concern.

Dr. Bea Mackay

Do it Yourself Relationship Help at B-Sort.com

Scenario 1: Bill said he would be home for dinner at 7:00. He gets tied up with a client at work and forgets to phone Susan. He arrives home tired and hungry at 9:00 pm. Susan is upset. She asks, “Why didn’t you call and let me know?” Susan feels unimportant not not considered. Bill feels justified, he was working hard for his family. They fight about it but do not resolve.

Scenario 2: Bill takes the kids for a hike. They have a great day and are gone longer than intended. They are expected at Susan’s parents for dinner. When they get home they all need to get cleaned up. They are tired and cranky. They are late getting to her parents. Susan feels stressed. She’s angry at Bill for taking so long. Bill feels unjustly criticized, he was being a good dad. They fight about it but do not resolve.

Scenario 3: Bill and Susan go to a party with friends. About an hour and a half into the party Susan is looking for Bill and cannot find him anywhere. She asks around but no one has seen him. Another hour later Bill comes back with his friend who had also been at the party. Bill tells Susan that his friend asked for his advice about his car and they had been out back tinkering with it. Susan feels alone. Bill feels justified, he was being helpful. They fight about it but do not resolve.

Scenario 4: Bill and Susan have friends over for dinner. Bill is a great host. But, as soon as the guests walk in the door Susan feels that he is treating her and the children differently - like they don’t matter. Susan feels like she and the children are second class citizens. Bill feels unjustifiably accused. He was being a good host. They fight about it but do not resolve.

Scenario: xxx: They fight about it but do not resolve.

Couples have differences. There are always problems to address. Couples discuss. They fight. Early in a relationship when an issue comes up, a couple will take it on, discuss it, argue and fight about it. Each tries to get his or her view point across to the other. Each tries to resolve it. Lots of times they are able to resolve it, sometimes in a healthy way, sometimes in an unhealthy way. But other times they are not able to get to a workable outcome. When this happens the issue gets dropped and some how the couple get over it or beyond it. Then the next problem comes up and the same thing happens. Each tries to resolve it yet neither are able to. It does not go away, it just goes under the carpet. This happens over and over again. There is a building of unresolved issues. There is a backlog of hurt and resentment.

I call these fights the Merry-go-round fights. It’s like riding a merry-go-round at the amusement park. An issue comes up. Couples jump on the merry-go-round. They go round and round. They go up and down. And, when they get off they are in exactly the same spot as they were before they got on. Nothing has changed. Neither feels good.

The next issue comes up. Again, they hop on the merry-go-round. They go round and round. They go up and down. When they get off, they are still in the same place. This pattern repeats again and again.

At first, couples are eager to hop on the merry-go-round. They are eager to resolve the issues. They care about each other. They have lots of energy for it. They try hard. Then they try harder. Yet, they are still unable to resolve. It does not seem to matter how hard they try. The rides usually escalate and get longer and more difficult. Eventually, one gets tired of going on the merry-go-round. An issue or problem will come up and one wants to fight, the other doesn’t. What for? He or she knows that they will go for a ride and nothing will change. When the ride is over they get off at the same place once gain. There is no point. Why waste the energy? They don’t want to waste the time. No one wants to fight until three in the morning and not get anywhere, especially if they have to go to work the next day. Both just feel worse - discouraged and hopeless. Eventually, neither wants to fight. The couple gradually falls into a funk and disconnect from each other. Over time the relationship goes numb or dead. Couples may stay together this way or they may break up.

Healthy couples are able to find a way to resolve their issues and problems. They listen to each others concerns and complaints. They are willing to see their partner’s point of view. They are open to seeing things from a different perspective. They brainstorm possible solutions and come up with changes to try. Then each make changes. They keep what works. They discard what doesn’t. They fine tune the changes until they are mutually satisfied with the results. Then they feel good about what they achieved together. They feel like a team working well together. The fight may have been difficult but it is productive. They are in a new better place! The fight was worth the time and energy. The couple feel connected to each other. They have developed a good working relationship. Partners who feel good about each other are more easily able to resolve issues.

No more merry-go-round rides!

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Do it Yourself Relationship Help at B-Sort.com

“The city goes to bed and I can live inside my head,
Although I know it’s only in my mind that I’m talking to myself and not to him.”

Eponine in Les Miserable

One of the ways that people cope in an unhappy relationship is to avoid the reality of the life they are living. They develop a fantasy world where they go to feel happy. This world can be about a past lover - a once real relationship that did not work out for one reason or another. The daydreaming is about what might have happened if it had worked out. It could be a world about having a relationship with a real life celebrity. Or, it can be a totally fictitious relationship with an imaginary lover. People are creative. There are many variations on this theme.

In this fantasy world the dreamer has total control. They can make happen what they want, make happen what they long for. He or she can enter this world any time they want and when they do they leave behind the pain of reality. They get respite from the emotional pain. All the while they are in the daydream they are having fun, may be madly in love, pleased, excited, content and happy. They feel valuable and important to someone. Often it is the only time they are happy.

The problem is when they come out of their fantasy world and have to face reality again. It is hard to give up the good feelings. It is difficult to re-experience the real life painful feelings again or the numbness they go into. They want to find another time soon to escape back into the fantasy. It’s kind of like an addiction.

Eventually, this fantasy world wears thin and the pain of coming out of this imaginary world becomes so distressful that something has got to change. Unhealthy people may become suicidal, turn to alcohol and drugs, or other destructive behaviors.

Healthy people will choose to stop entering the fantasy world. They will start making changes in their real world - in their real marriage. They will address the problems in their relationship and either make things better or end the relationship. To help them, they seek out resources in the community in the form of family, friends and counseling.

Living in a fantasy world is very isolating and people are meant to live in community.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Do it Yourself Relationship Help at B-Sort.com

Note to readers: I invite you to send in your stories of how you lived inside your head and how you got out of it.