B-Sort Relationship Advice Blog

I found an article called Methods For Changing Your Relationships from MentalHelp.net that highlights the dilemma many people face when unhappy with their relationship.

According to the authors: “There are essentially two different kinds of relationship problems. Either people do not have sufficient relationships (or sufficient quality of relationships), or they have relationships, but those relationships are conflicted in some manner so that they don’t satisfy, or are a source of pain.”

The poor quality relationship, and the conflicted/painful relationship, is hard to live with because they often lead to pain and loneliness. We have identified a list of symptoms of a troubled relationship in another post and this can be a good way to reflect on your own situation. And, the B-sort tool we provide on this site also provides feedback you can use to evaluate your own unique situation.

“Some people stay in such relationships and make due with their pain, while others leave and face a different sort of difficulty; that of finding new relationships that will work out better.”

This can be a hard time to make a decision. You may have decided that you want to make a positive change in your relationship situation — either a fresh start with someone new or to repair and improve your existing one. Either way, you’ll have to be willing to do some personal work and be nice to another person! Most people already know what this means because it comes so naturally during the courtship phase. But being nice can be difficult to do if other negative relationship patterns have taken hold.

Also, many people find themselves conflicted and they oscillate between wanting to leave, and wanting to fix, their relationship. This pattern also can make it difficult to reach a decision about what to do and how to take action in order to change it. One pattern that anyone can use to help improve their relationship is to make many small ‘nice’ gestures to your partner, and do it often, rather than making the occasional intense expression. These minor interactions are bids for connection and they are an important part of maintaining a good quality of relationship and helping to minimize conflict.

The conclusion of the article? “What sets … regular satisfied types apart from other less-satisfied people are their mastery of social skills” — and that involves knowing how to connect with your partner, making those bids for connection often, and simply knowing how to be nice.

Chapter 8 : Methods For Changing Your Relationships
From Mental Health.net’s online Self-Help Resource
Written by: Mark Dombeck, Ph.D. and Jolyn Wells-Moran, Ph.D.

Research shows that in courtship there are 20-50 positive interactions to every one negative interaction. That is a lot of nice behaviors! No wonder courtship is so enjoyable. In happy marriages there are 5 positive interactions to every one negative interaction. In unhappy relationships there are many more negative interactions to each positive interaction. When there are more positive interactions than negative interactions it is easier to over come or recover from difficulties in a relationship.

Relationships are interactive. You and your partner co-create the dynamics in your relationship. You cannot create what happens between you and your partner all by yourself. Believe this, even if your partner is constantly letting you know in various ways that “It’s all your fault.”

On the other hand, you can make changes all by yourself and those changes will impact upon your partner. Your partner usually, I repeat usually, responds to your changes with their changes. Maybe the change will be positive. Maybe the change will be negative. But be sure, that there will be some kind of change. Keep the behaviors that enhance the relationship and discard those that make it worse.

Begin with small positive interactions. Too much too soon can feel awkward and uncomfortable for each partner.

To be nice is to be kind, considerate, thoughtful, appreciative, helpful, affectionate, caring, thankful, tender and warm. It is also to acknowledge your partners efforts, abilities, talents, skills, sorrows, struggles and hardships.

When you start making changes be prepared for some resistance. Relationships develop repetitive patterns and each partner will have habitual ways of maintaining the status quo. Often when one person changes the other will respond with behaviors that attempt to get their partner to return to the old behaviors. That’s normal because we all like familiarity and find change unsettling. Don’t hold that against your spouse.

Don’t expect positive change from your partner any time soon. Once a partner realizes that the change is for real, he or she will adjust. So be patient. If, your true intent is to control or manipulate your partner, or to show you are better than your partner, then your relationship will become more troubled than it already is. If, in your heart, you are motivated by love for your partner and a genuine desire for a better connection, then the changes will most likely enhance your relationship. Only you can decide the quality of your intent.

Often one partner starts being nice (or nicer) again to their spouse only to find there is no reciprocation. Or worse, the reaction is sarcasm, as in, “Oh, you’re sooo sweet.”. Or just silence. Or skepticism, as in, “What do you want from me?” Or sabotage, as in “Cut the crap.” After a short while the one who initiated change gives up and goes back to the old ways, feeling powerless and even more discouraged.

When you want change, decide to be nicer to your partner without any demand or expectation that they respond in the same way. This is key! If they respond to niceness with niceness - Great! But if they don’t, it probably means they are wary of being taken in and afraid of being hurt (again). By continuing to behave according to your goal of enhancing your relationship, in spite of your partners negative reactions, you will be doing what you want to do. You will feel good about yourself. You will be able to look in the mirror and say to yourself, “I know I am trying by best”. Over time your partner experiences your efforts as genuine and enduring - i.e. believable, not just a flash in the pan. Over time, ongoing positive behaviors are likely to soften resentment, heal hurts and demonstrate genuine intent to improve the relationship.

Whether your relationship endures or not, you have nothing to lose by being nicer to your partner and a lot to gain.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Do it Yourself Relationship Help at B-Sort.com

Dear Dr.B,
I have been single for over 10 years having had a somewhat meaningful marriage with 3 wonderful grown children. Apart from explaining HOW the marriage dissolved, I am perplexed of just how the dating game evolves when you are all of a sudden in your 6th decade!! I feel like I am a normal kind of girl….I am young at heart,educated and successful in business, nice looking,resourceful,entertaining, and always looking for new opportunities to challenge me.
I have tried professional dating services in the past, including even Internet dating sites. Only by coaxing! My question is simply this…..are there no real honest men “out there” actually interested in persuing a friendship, maybe leading into something more meaningful?
Am I too powerful, too accomplished, too independent? Do men my age,these days ,only need someone to pick up their smelly socks? ….or needing to show off a “trophie” half their age?
Please give me guidance on whether I should ‘change’ my first impression of myself to suit them? No, I’d say.That would backfire. Am I too picky? What are the ‘golden’ boys looking for, and how can I be more marketable?
I also don’t believe I HAVE to have a man in my life, or be married, to be complete. I simply WANT a strong and genuine relationship to enhance my retired and best years of my life…with no game playing…
Signed, Concerned and Frustrated.

Dear Longing for Love,

It’s true that finding love is difficult. In late teens and 20s there is a large pool of people to choose from. As we age that pool gets smaller and smaller. There are many good men ‘out there’ that you would not want to be romantically involved with because you just don’t ‘click’ with them. It is very difficult to find someone that you want to live that intimately with for the rest of your life. Even younger people these days are finding it difficult to find ‘the one’ and many are settling for ‘the one right now’. For a woman in her 60’s the pool of potential partners is small. There are many mature women who are vibrant, interesting and fun yet are single, not by choice but because they cannot find partners. It is good that you do not NEED a partner. You are more likely to find one.

If you have not done so already, you might consider relationships from your past - someone you once ‘clicked’ with. Many people are reconnecting with former lovers and re-finding love. The divorce rate for people who were sweethearts and/or lovers 15-20-30 years ago and marry is only 3-4%.

Be open to a relationship. Ask your good friends to give you feedback as to whether or not you act open. Sometimes we think we are open when we are not.

Keep doing what you are doing - engaging in activities that you enjoy, exploring the dating sites and connecting with other interesting people, male and female. That way you continue to live life to the fullest and have more chance of meeting someone, or a friend of someone, who enjoys life the way you do.

Good luck,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Do it Yourself Relationship Help at B-Sort.com

One of the most common mistakes couples make when they are talking is to attempt to find a solution too early. In general, it is normal for men to jump at finding a solution when their partner starts discussing an issue. Sometimes it is the other way around with women assuming they know what their partner wants or needs before they have enough information.

Men and women have different styles of communicating. As Debroah Tannen describes in her article “Can’t we Talk”, found at www.h2limousine.com, men usually talk to gain status in relationship and women usually talk to make connection.

Before you offer a solution you need to know what the problem is, or , if indeed, there is a problem at all. To find this out, you need to know your partner’s point of view on the issue. What do they think, what do they feel about it, what is motivating their behaviors?

Usually the listener wants to give their point of view before they have clearly and fully heard their partner’s point of view. That is what makes most discussions or arguments go off the rails, morphing into a battle of “I want to tell you my point of view before I hear your point of view” or “I want to tell you what is wrong with your point of view.”
Before you offer a solution, find out more information. Listen closely to your partner’s point of view. Keep it simple, say, “Tell me more.” Be curious. Find out your partner’s thoughts, feelings and actions about the issue. As you listen, avoid being judgmental in words, tone of voice, and other non-verbal gestures (e.g. eye rolling, fidgeting).

When you have done this you will have a better idea whether or not there is a problem. If there is, you will be clearer as to what the solution might be. If the purpose of the discussion was to connect, a solution may not be necessary or even wanted.

When you have done all of this, you can give your point of view and your partner will most likely be open to hearing it.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Do it Yourself Relationship Help at B-Sort.com

On the drive to Alexandria where SS grew up, I noticed some large white cone structures with holes all over them. Amongst ourselves we discussed what they might be for. The holes might be for air-conditioning was one idea. We asked our guide who told us that they were for farming pigeons – considered a delicacy. My friend SS commented that pigeon was similar to quail.

In Alexandria, SS’s mother, along with her brother, invited us all out to dinner at an amazing restaurant that once was a palace that belonged to King Farouk’s wife. It was an opulent palace, in some ways a museum, with furniture, art and artifacts from the time of his reign. It had photos of King Farouk as a child on the walls. The menus were amazing with photos throughout of King Farouk in various uniforms. I would have like to have kept one of those. The elegance and grandness of the room in which we dined was impressive.

At the beginning of the dinner SS gave us each a gift – a gold cartouche with our name in Hieroglyphics on it. Her Egyptian friend, NR, who had joined our group, gave each of us a souvenir of Egypt. The generosity of our hosts was overwhelming. We were all quieter than usual. We were tired and I was sick with a bad cough and cold. I can’t speak for the others, but I know I was quiet because I felt somewhat overwhelmed by their generosity.

When it came time to order I saw that they had pigeon on the menu. SS had said it was like quail. I had had pheasant before and it was succulent and delicious. I grew up on a farm in southern Manitoba. As a child one of the things I liked to do was climb up the ladder to the roof of the barn and look at the pigeons nesting there. First to see the eggs. Then to see the newly hatch fledglings. Then to see the ugly awkward babies with their feathers growing in. We never ate them.

Even so, I ordered a ‘pair of pigeons’ from the menu. When my meal came and the waiter put it down before me I was shocked. My friend sitting beside me, who shall remain nameless, leaned over and whispered, “It looks like road kill.” My thought (which I kept to myself) “Exactly!” There were two flat leathery blackish brown or brownish black inkblots on the plate. They looked like they had just been scraped of the road on a hot summer day. I felt very awkward. I did not want to offend my generous and gracious hosts. So I started to eat it. I tried to cut it with a knife and fork. No way, it was too tough. Then I picked it up and tried to separate a limb from the body. With effort I was able to do it. Tender it was not! When I went to take a bite of it all I got was some greasy skin. There was little meat that I could detect. It was not like any quail or pheasant I had tasted. I still did not want to offend my hosts so I pushed the pigeons around my plate for a while. I did not go hungry. The portions were generous and my friends shared their meals with me. After the plates were cleared the waiter brought me a fingerbowl of lemon-scent water to wash my fingers. I was relieved because it meant to me that I was expected to use my hands to eat it. The meal ended with some delicious fresh fruit for dessert.

After some more photos in this luxurious palace we said our good-byes to our wonderful hosts and sauntered back to our hotel.

Well, at least I tried it.

Enjoy,

Dr. Bea Mackay

B-Sort.com

P.S. How often in relationships do we try to avoid offending or hurting others?