Some examples:

“Do you want to see a movie tonight?” may actually be “I want to see a movie tonight and I want you to come with me.

Are you leaving now? may actually be “I don’t want you to leave now.”

“Don’t you have to be somewhere by 8:00?” may actually be “I want you to leave so I can get back to what I was doing.”

“Did you take out the garbage?” may actually be “ If you have not taken out the garbage I’m going to be mad at you because I have to do the bulk of the household chores. The least you can do is take out the garbage.”

“Are you coming to bed soon?” may actually be “I’m feeling randy and I’m hoping I can entice you into making love.”

“Have you done your homework?” may actually be “If you have not done your homework you’re going to be in trouble because I need you to do well in school.”

“What are you doing?” could really mean “I don’t like what you’re doing!” or “I really like what you are doing!”

Usually the person being asked this kind of question takes it at face value, as a request for information, and answers accordingly. This may develop into an argument that neither want to have on a topic that is not the real issue.

If a husband asks his wife – Do you have to go out tonight? – she may explain that she has made a commitment and needs to keep it. “I promised Janie I’d have coffee with her.” or “ I need to get groceries.” The conversation may escalate into an argument about whether or not she really has to go or that she is going out too much. Perhaps she feels he’s trying to control her.

What the husband is actually saying is “We’ve both been really busy lately and I would like to spend some time with you?” If he had made this statement, his wife would know what is really going on with him and be able to respond to the real issue. She could generate options. She could set up a time to be together soon. She could come home early. She could put off what she was going to do to another time. Depending on the situation, she could invite him to go with her. Now the couple is communicating clearly with each other. Each feels cared about rather than frustrated.

Usually a question is just a question - a request for information. But many questions are really disguised statements with the sender’s real message hidden within them. When that happens people can feel interrogated, manipulated, attacked or put on the spot. When questions are disguised statements a person can feel set up and get defensive. These kinds of questions create resentment which leads to lots of arguments and poor communication. After awhile spouses become wary of any questions. Before long relationships deteriorate.

By making statements instead of asking questions communication remains clear. The real issues are more likely to get addressed in a friendly, respectful and even caring manner.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

There was a clip about a boy aged about 10 or 11 years old. He was standing by the side of the road holding a yellow placard. On the placard in large letters were the words, “I can’t stop lying. I think my mother is stupid but I keep getting caught.”. (Not the exact words but that was the message.)

The boy was interviewed. He said his mother was trying to teach him a lesson. The mother was interviewed. She wanted to embarrass him into telling the truth.

I felt really sad to see this negative relationship pattern between parents and children. I find parents try to teach their children not to lie by focusing on ‘lying’ behavior. They catch their children in lies and then punish them. However, if the child admits to doing something wrong, that is, tell the truth, then they also get punished. It’s a no-win situation for the child.

When parents focus on lying rather than truth-telling they tend to get into power struggles with their children that create a vicious cycle in which everyone is a loser. The parents catch their children in lies and punish them. The children are frightened of being punished so they lie. Frightened children tend to lie or go mute. The more children lie, the more their parents catch them in lies, and punish them. Children become afraid of their parents. The parents become suspicious of the children.  Both become angry with each other.  It’s a bad outcome for everyone involved.

Punishment and humiliation can easily backfire damaging any relationship. The relief children experience when they are not caught is reinforcing -tempting them to lie again.  From this cycle, what children actually learn from their parents is “It’s OK to lie, just don’t get CAUGHT lying”.

Parents would do better to focus on their children’s truth-telling behavior. How to do that? See the handout for parents in our Articles section.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

I see and hear more and more people criticizing themselves when they forget a name, a word, or forget what they were going to say or do. Criticism is unnecessary and counterproductive to both feeling good about yourself, and remembering your intent. I’d like to help people of all ages minimize these common mental ‘lapses in life’.

Young people have moments. They lose their train of thought, forget where they put things, or can’t remember names or common words. They walk into a room or open a cupboard and forget what they were going to do or get. Because it does not happen too often, they dismiss them.

I was 22 when I got married. I put my marriage license in a ‘safe’ place. I have never found it to this day. I never thought that I was losing my mind or that I was stupid. I was just frustrated that I could not find it when I needed it.

These moments happen more often as we age. We’ve accumulated so much information through our lifetime of experiences. When we forget, we get anxious and think we are ‘losing it’. We scare ourselves into thinking we might be going senile. We doubt our own mental functioning. And, with a focus on youth, we are afraid other people are judging our mental capabilities.

For most of my adult life I’ve put items on the stairs to take up (or down) to another level. Then, for some reason when I need to go upstairs, I grab the things on the stairs and put them away. Distracted, I forget the reason I was originally went upstairs.

How we handle these moments can determine how long they last, how often they happen and how we feel about ourselves. More importantly, we can influence whether we remember or forget.

1 Be kind to yourself. Judging and criticizing yourself for forgetting is the worst thing you can do. People are often self-effacing, making remarks such as “I’m must have Alzheimer’s”. Beating yourself up short-circuits the remembering process. It creates anxiety. It makes you feel badly about yourself. You are now focusing on forgetting instead remembering. It’s counter productive. What you need and want to do is remember.

2 Take deep breath. Anxiety is the biggest culprit when it comes to forgetting. A little anxiousness can be helpful but when anxiety gets too high it interferes with thinking. Taking a deep breath reduces your anxiety so that you are more likely to remember what you want to say or do.

3 Stop. Look. Wait. Taking a moment to pause allows the mind to remember. People are often thinking and doing several things at one time. The key is not to think while you’re waiting. If you open a cupboard and can’t remember what you wanted: Stop. Gaze at the items in the cupboard. Wait. Most of the time what you were looking for will pop back into your mind. If you are in the middle of a conversation and you lose your train of thought - Stop. Be quiet. Wait. It may take from 5-30 seconds. If no one talks for these moments you are more likely to recall what you were going to say.

4 Mentally retrace your thoughts. If you are in a conversation and forget your train of thought, take a few moments to think back to what you were saying just before you lost your train of thought. If possible, get the person or people to help you with this process. As you do that, often you will suddenly remember what you were saying. When my clients (of all ages) forget what they were going to tell me I remind them of what we were talking about just before they lost their train of thought. Most of the time this process triggers their memory.

5 Retrace your behaviors, mentally and literally. If you go to do something and then forget what you were about to do, pause and stand still. Mentally review what you were doing just before. Back up in your mind to an earlier point. Then imagine all the actions you did up until this moment. This usually works. If this still does not trigger your memory, then actually go back to an earlier point and retrace your steps. As you retrace your steps often what you were about to do will suddenly come to you.

6 Cue word. If you remember what you are going to say or do but cannot say it or do it immediately because of circumstances, conger up a cue word that will remind you. If possible - SAY IT OUT LOUD or write it down.

7 Let it come later. You can try too hard to remember. Let go. Go on to something else. Let it bubble up. The word or name will probably come to you when you are in the middle of something else.

8 Reassure. Everyone forgets. Helping others remember helps them to relax and be less anxious. Share that you frequently forget too. This is called normalizing. When people know that they are not the only ones who have this problem they feel normal. Then they relax and are more likely to remember. You will feel good about helping them. When you help others in this way you will more likely be able to reassure and be kind to yourself when you forget.

9 Be patient. When someone is talking to you and they forget a word or a name tell them to take their time. Then wait. This helps the person relax and be less anxious. They are more likely to remember because they are less likely to feel judged or criticized. They are able to focus more on remembering than worrying about what you think of them. If you are uncomfortable with the silence, your anxiety will affect them and it will be more difficult for them to recall. When you are patient with others in this way you will more likely to be patient with yourself when you forget.

10 Laugh in fun. Good-natured laughter helps people relax. There is warm reassuring laughter that stems from a kind heart and good intent. Then there is teasing that makes fun of someone else. Avoid teasing others as they more likely to take the negative side to a joke than the fun side. People who feel secure within themselves usually are able to laugh things off and not take it seriously. People who are insecure often feel mocked or put down.

You can change how you treat yourself and how you respond to others. Treat yourself well and you will feel better about yourself. You will feel less anxious. You will be happier. These lapses will be shorter, less frequent, and less threatening. Then they will remain what they should be - only minor nuisances in life.

© Bea Mackay, Ph.D. 2004

]]> http://www.b-sort.com/blog/2008/04/22/10-memory-tips-for-handling-life%e2%80%99s-little-lapses-part-1/feed/ http://www.b-sort.com/blog/2008/04/18/how-to-change-the-present-by-talking-about-the-past-part-3-remembering-the-past-in-more-detail/ http://www.b-sort.com/blog/2008/04/18/how-to-change-the-present-by-talking-about-the-past-part-3-remembering-the-past-in-more-detail/#comments Fri, 18 Apr 2008 14:30:46 +0000 Dr. Bea http://www.b-sort.com/blog/?p=70 Remembering the Past in More Detail

An example of over remembering the past in more detail comes from my own experience. In my thirties I did some major work on myself in therapy. One day, during a session, I recalled a memory from my early childhood. I don’t remember what we had been talking about at the time, I just remember my experience.

The Memory: I was three years old. I remember that because we still lived in the house on the farm. We moved from that house before I turned four. My mother, brother and I were standing in front of the wood stove popping popcorn. We were all crying.

That was all there was to the memory. It was not a new memory. Any time I had thought about it I was puzzled. I could not make sense out of it. Why were we crying? We were making popcorn. Popcorn was a special treat in those days. This was not like making popcorn today. Back then, my mother would scrape the small black kernels off the cob, put them into the frying pan and they would noisily POP into fluffy white yummy pieces of popcorn. It was magical, especially to a three year old. So why were we all crying?

By the end of this session nothing more had come from my recalling this memory. I left the therapist’s office and went about my day. But I could not stop thinking about it. I knew - I just knew - that there was something very important in this memory. For the rest of the day I was in my own little bubble.

That evening I made dinner as usual, put the kids to bed as usual and then went to bed at 8:00 pm, earlier than usual. I just wanted to be by myself so I could continue to think about this memory. I lay there in the dark, visualizing the scene over and over. Later my husband came to bed and I pretended to be asleep. I just did not want to be interrupted. I continued to lie there for hours thinking. Finally! At 4:00 am I got the answer.

I had always thought that we were all crying about the same thing. But as the memory became clearer I realized that my brother and I were crying because our mother had just strapped us. I don’t remember what for. (This was the late 40s and spankings were considered part of good parenting. People often quoted the Bible: “Spare the rod and spoil the child.”) My mother was crying because she felt badly about what she had done to us. She was making the popcorn to make up to us for what she’d done.

Then the memory all made sense to me. I always thought when my mother strapped us kids that she wanted to do it. What I got from the memory was that she had ‘lost it’ and she could not help herself. I may have been only three but I was there.

I felt a flood of forgiveness for her. I felt relief. I felt a release. I fell into a sound peaceful sleep.

This changed my relationship with my mother in a positive way. I was different with her and she responded to my change with change of her own.

The change in the present did not stop there. Before I had this revelation I was the type of person who was warm and affectionate with family and friends but not with acquaintances or strangers. I did not like people I did not know well to touch me and I did not touch them. In the next days after I experienced this huge shift I found myself spontaneously reaching out and touching others. Also, I found myself liking it when people were physically warm with me. I didn’t think about it; it just happened. I’m not sure why this change occurred, but I liked it. The change has lasted to this day.

It is not always possible to remember more about a past event but it can sometimes happen when people reminisce about the past. In therapy people often do remember more about a past event, especially if they deliberately focus on the past. It also happens that new memories of other events come to mind that shed more light on the original memory.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Reframing is taking an same event (or circumstance) and giving it a new and different meaning. That is, looking at old stuff in a new way.

I worked with a man in his 30’s who had come for help with work issues. During the work it became clear that he did not feel good about himself. He recalled a vivid memory of an event that happened when he was 19. He was sitting in a diner with friends enjoying a hamburger and fries when his distressed father came into the restaurant and told him that one of his younger sisters had been hit by a bus and killed. He said he did not feel bad when he heard the news. All he thought about was how good the fries and ketchup tasted.

Soon after he felt very guilty about thinking about the taste of food when something so tragic had happened. He concluded that he must not care about his sister. He judged himself harshly - that he was a bad brother and a bad person. I told him that if that were true, he would not be bothered about his reaction to this event and probably would not even have remembered it. But this statement had no impact on him.

Then reframed the situation and circumstances. I told him I saw it in a different way. How I saw it was that he was shocked by the terrible news and went numb. Then he focused on the taste of the fries because the moment before he heard the terrible news, life was very good. A part of him went into denial and just wanted life to be as it had been just moments before he heard the news. He focused on the taste because he did not want the news to be true.

The client resonated with my reframing of the circumstances. Immediately, he felt tremendous relief. The meaning I gave for his behavior matched his experience. (If it had not matched his experience he would not have had this response.)

He could now let go of the guilt he’d felt for years. His old conclusion dissolved because it was now obvious to him how deeply he cared about his sister. He came to a new conclusion that made him feel good about himself, increasing his self-esteem. The increase in his self-esteem translated into the work issues that he had originally come to counseling for.

Taking the same event from the past and looking at it with new eyes is another way to change the present.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Many people say, “There is no use talking about the past, you can’t change it.” I think it is their idea of how they and other people recover from an event or events that were traumatic. Perhaps it is the only way they know how to deal with difficult painful events and circumstances.

It’s true. You cannot change events that happened in the past. But what you can change by talking about the past is how you think and feel in the present. When you think and feel differerently in the present then the future has new possibilities.

There are many ways that talking about the past helps change the present. One way is to get new information about the past.

An example of this happens in the movie “The Mermaid Chair”. A woman who’s beloved father died when she was 9 goes back to care for her troubled mother. At the time of his death, she was told that her father had died when his boat exploded out at sea. She was not told that,in fact, her father had been terminally ill with a debilitating disease and that he killed himself. Her mother and several other people colluded with each other to assist in his suicide and make it look like an accident. The reason for their secrecy was that the father did not want to live and yet did not want his daughter to think that he abandoned her. (I’m not saying it’s a good movie but the plot makes for a good example). What the young girl had concluded was that she was to blame for his death because, against her mother’s wishes she had given her father a pipe. He would smoke his pipe when he went out on the boat with her. She created a fantasy about how the sparks from his pipe had caused the explosion. Over time, her fantasy became her truth. Because she had disobeyed her mother she never told anyone that she thought his death was her fault.

While she was helping her troubled mother she found the pipe in her mother’s belongings. With this new evidence she realized that she had not been responsible for his death. Her mother and the others told her the truth about his death. All those years she had carried the burden of his death on her shoulders unnecessarily. Finding out the real truth from the past changed how she felt about herself in the present and would influence how she lived in the future.

Thus getting new information by talking about the past can change the present. This can be healing.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Guilt is all about feeling bad. Using guilt, you can make yourself feel bad, make someone else feel bad, manipulate yourself into doing something that you don’t want to say or do, manipulate others into saying or doing things they don’t want to say or do. Using guilt, if you let them, others will manipulate you into doing something that you don’t want or need to say or do.

Guilt is grounded in standards and values. Standards and values are expressed with words such as - must, have to, ought to, obligated to, vowed to, should, responsible for, etc. The most used word is ’should’.

I should work harder. I mustn’t talk so much. I should lose 10 pounds. I have to exercise more. I ought to drink less. I should go to church more often.

You can ’should’ on yourself and you can ’should’ on others. It’s a guaranteed way to make yourself and others feel bad.

Wants and needs are expressed with words that describe what we want or don’t want, what we need or don’t need, our preferences, passions, interests, tastes, etc.

I want to work with people. I need to feel wanted. I love music. I am fascinated with antique cars. I need some exercise. I need quiet to focus. I love holding my grandson. I hate licorice. I don’t want to travel any more. I don’t need as much sleep as I used to. I’m crazy about tennis.

When we feel guilt, either of our own making or from what others say or do to us, it is often because our (or someone else’s) standards and values are opposed to our wants and needs.

E.g. I should visit my friend in the hospital more often.

You may not like hospitals so you avoid visiting your friend. You are also busy in your life and have difficulty finding the time to go. You value your friend and have a standard of how friends interact so you make yourself feel guilty for not acting accordingly. Or, you use the guilt to make yourself visit your friend. People often do or say things, not because they want or need to but in order to stop or avoid feeling guilty.

Sometime guilt is employed to avoid confrontation or to control your own impulses. Perhaps you’re mad at someone but you feel it is risky or unsafe to be angry with that person so you turn the anger back on yourself. Only you experience the anger as guilt. “I should not be angry. I’m a bad person. There must be something wrong with me.” There is less danger of confrontation; there’s less danger of losing control of your own impulses. And, you feel bad.

Guilt is energy. When you feel guilty, turn that energy into productive action:

If you are religious or spiritual shift the energy of guilt into prayer. Prayer is the action of sending energy to God. You can pray for God to help you. You can pray for God to help others.

For example, When you feel guilty about not visiting your friend in the hospital shift from feeling guilty into praying for your friend.

Prayer is something you can do for your friend, no matter where you are or what you are doing. Praying for your friend will help you feel good about yourself. Guilt is passive, it does not do your friend any good. Prayer is active and may help your friend. There have been scientific studies that show that prayer is effective. Guilt is negative energy going round and round inside your head and body. Prayer is positive energy going outward into the universe.

This does not mean that you wont visit your friend. When you feel better about yourself you are more likely to visit, or contact in some other way (phone, email, card, flowers), because you want to, not because you should.

If you are not religious then consider how the universe is made up of energy. The sun is energy. Gravity is a force. Wind is energy. X-Rays give off energy. The human body emanates heat.

When you feel guilty turn the energy of guilt into positive vibes and send them out into the universe or send them to yourself. Sending positive vibes makes you feel good about yourself and about others.

This is using your energy productively, effectively and wisely. When people feel good about themselves, they are more likely to live by the standards and values that they hold. They don’t need guilt to make them do it.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

This group is in their 70’s and play regularly Tuesday and Friday mornings. They often invite me to spare for them when they need someone and I am happy to join them. Their hand/eye co-ordination is excellent and they strike the ball fairly hard. While they cannot run well, they consistently place the ball accurately. They are serious about their tennis and get angry at themselves when they miss a shot. They are resigned when they are unable to get to drop shots. When I play with my buddy I do as much of the running as I can for her.

There I am, as usual, the only left-hander with three right-handers. However, my buddy was not always right-handed. Many years ago her left arm was badly injured and she learned to play tennis with her right-hand! As a left-hander I am amazed she can play as well as she can.

After our set I get dressed and go to work. As I’m leaving I see my buddy playing another set. Two and a half hours of tennis - not bad when you’re in your 70’s!

Keep fit!

Dr. Bea Mackay

First of all, you need to know when you’re are getting a double or mixed message. The way you know is by your feelings (confused) and your thoughts (puzzled). These feelings and thoughts are your cues to guide what you say and do in response.

When messages do not match they are incongruent and come in various forms.

1. What a person says conflicts with what they said previously.

2. What a person does conflicts with what they did previously.

3. What a person says conflicts with what they do.

4. What a person says conflicts with their body language.

When you receive a double or mixed message, without expectation or demand for change, send both messages back to the sender.

RETURN TO SENDER: Give both message back as feedback to the sender. Report what was said, what was observed and describe behaviors. When you communicate in this way, the sender is more likely to respond in a positive reasonable way. If you respond in an attacking, blaming, contemptuous or sarcastic manner then the sender is mostly likely to be hurt, angry and defensive.

You cannot control how the sender receives your feedback; you can only control how you deliver it.

WHEN WORDS DO NOT MATCH WORDS: Examples of what to say.

1. Last week you said your think mothers should stay home with their babies (words) and now you’re saying mothers should work outside the home to be good role models for their children (words). I’m wondering which you believe or if you believe both.

2. I’m having trouble figuring this out. You just told me you love me very much (words) and now you’re saying you need some space from me (words).

WHEN WORD DO NOT MATCH BEHAVIORS: Examples of what to say.

1. I don’t get it. You complain about me not helping (words) yet you re-do everything I do (behaviors).

2. I’m confused. You say you want me to be affectionate (words) yet when I touch you, you push me away (behaviors).

3. I’m confused. You said you would help me (words) but now you’re going to the store.

4. I’m puzzled. You said you wanted to spend more time with your kids (words) but when they are here, you often go off by yourself (behaviors).

WHEN WORDS DO NOT MATCH BODY LANGUAGE. Examples of what to say.

1. I’m puzzled. You say you’re fine (words) yet you look sad (body language).

2. I’m confused. You said you like my plans for Saturday night (words) yet the tone of your voice has an angry edge to it (body language).

3. You say you’re listening to me (words) but you have not looked at me (body language), so I’m not sure.

You cannot stop or prevent your partner from sending you mixed messages. What you can do is change how you respond to them. By telling the other about your confusion you are letting them know the impact of their behavior on you. This has the potential to improve communication.

When the other knows they are sending mixed messages, they can clarify. It could be that they are not really conflicted and don’t realize they are sounding or acting like they are.

If the sender is truly conflicted, however, your feedback brings their incongruence to their attention. It’s like holding a mirror up to them so that they can more clearly see themselves. Now, if they want, they can address it. This too, has the potential to improve communication.

Experiment with this skill and see how communication shifts.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay.

Sally was shocked that he could go from being so in love with her, so solidly in the marriage, to suddenly wanting to end it. She was in despair that he did not want to try to repair the relationship or even give her a chance. She was bewildered at how this could have happened to her. She did not see it coming.

Most of this session focused on her shock and bafflement at how this situation could have happened. She claimed this was totally out of the blue. She was still in denial that her marriage was threatened and it was too soon to accept the reality. Her trust in herself had been shattered. Her self-esteem had suffered a serious blow.

Toward the end of the session she started to mention times that she had sensed that something was just not quite right. Most of those times she simply dismissed her doubts. There were so many positive indicators that everything was solid between them. Occasionally, she would approach her spouse with the mixed message she was getting from him and he would reassure her. She said she would think of the cards he’d given her and dismiss any doubts she might have.

Sally was getting conflicting messages from her spouse but she did not notice. Aside from minor ups and downs, her experience was that the marriage was going well. Mostly she would only hear one of the messages - the one she wanted to hear - that things were good between them. Occasionally she would hear both messages and check it out with her spouse. Again, she got from him what she wanted - reassurance that their relationship was solid. She based her way of being in the relationship on it.

This an extreme case of one spouse being ambivalent in a relationship and the other being 100% committed. I have not seen situations like this often, yet often enough to know that it probably happens more frequently than we realize. In this case, Sally’s spouse was able to hide his ambivalence by doing all the ‘right’ things at all the ‘right’ times.

Most couples in troubled relationships do not go through what Sally and her spouse experienced. It is more common for both partners to be aware that one or both partners are ambivalent about their relationship. Mixed message are frequent and vary with where each is on the Pendulum Swing - just thinking about staying/leaving and acting on staying/leaving.

Some spouses know their relationship is in serious trouble and deliberately ignore the negative part of the mixed messages. They do not do anything to change the situation.

Fearing confrontation they put their head in the sand. They assume it is just a bad patch and hope things will get better soon.

Other couples regularly fight about the mixed messages. Focus is on the negative message sent, usually escalating the distress between them.

One thing is for sure, any partner who is ambivalent about his or her relationship sends mixed messages. There is a range of mixed messages between obvious and subtle. There will be lots of double messages in unhealthy relationships. Even in healthy relationships, while going through the transition from one developmental stage to another, one or both partners may feel ambivalent until the couple consolidates their changes at the next stage.

How the partners handle their own ambivalence and/or their partner’s ambivalence is what is important. Unless there are unusual circumstances it is not healthy to hide your ambivalence about your relationship. I have seen so many people who have not told their partners what is troubling them about their relationships. They have just assumed that nothing can be done and they start to disengage. Their partner does not even have a chance to address the issues because they do not know.

When issues are effectively dealt with, many relationships can be repaired .

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Note: Clients referred to in this entry are fictitious.