B-Sort Relationship Advice Blog

I’d frequently heard that the people in Paris were unfriendly and unhelpful.

After attending the conference in Manchester my friend and I took the Chunnel to Paris and hung out there for a few days. We found the people very friendly and helpful. Our hotel was on the outskirts of Paris yet close to the Metro. We found it really easy to get around Paris on the M. When it came time to leave, the friendly staff at our hotel told us it was 60 Euro’s to take a taxi to the airport and 8.60 Euro’s on the Metro - a big difference. So we decided to take the M even though they said it would be difficult. I stayed on a day longer than my friend which meant we each went on our own.

The difficult part was the luggage. I had one medium size suitcase on wheels. I made sure that everything was packed into the one suitcase. I had to change trains three times. There was not always a lift (elevator) to use, which meant carrying the suitcase up and downstairs. I was not looking for help, yet twice I was offered help to carry my suitcase, once by a woman and once by a man. People helped me getting on and off the trains by pushing the button on the door and making room for me on the train. At the airport there were different stops for different airlines. One of the staff made sure I was getting off at the correct stop.

I was surprised and very grateful. My assumptions of Parisians people have changed.

If anyone reading this blog knows anyone in Paris, let them know I appreciate their friendliness and helpfulness.

Happy, but tired traveler,

Dr. Bea

P.S. I wish I was fluent in French.

I have not been blogging for a while now. My last entry was when I was still dealing with the infection of my eyes. I was able to recover in time to attend a long-planned-for conference in Manchester, England. After the conference one of my friends from the conference and I took the Chunnel over to Paris for a mini holiday. Paris was hot! I got back late last Thursday (sooner than my luggage) and have been recovering from jet lag and general after-holiday-letdown. So that is why I have not been blogging.

One of the things that my illness taught me was that I’m working too hard. The only way I could be stopped from working at my private practice, blogging, playing tennis, driving, reading, watching TV and using the computer would be to shut down my eyes. Even going for a walk was difficult because although I could see, everything was blurry. My brain kept trying to focus my eyes and was scrambled from the strain. Because I was contagious I could not see anyone. I quarantined myself and spent a lot of time alone. I could talk on the phone and did. My friends were a good support. Not being able to do things forced me to stop and think about my life and what is going on. Having nothing to do, or rather, having nothing I could do, was wonderful. What a change! What relief! The pressure was off. I slept a lot. I’m enjoying the blogging yet trying to do two blogs a week, as well as work full time, is a lot. And there’s having a life too.

I attend this particular conference, AAGT (the Association for the Advancement of Gestalt Therapy) every two years. Usually I do a workshop or two at the conferences. I tried to put in a proposal but the deadline came and went and I just could not get it done. I took that to mean I was not meant to do a workshop this time. There’s the universe sending me messages again. So, because I had done so much work on the last conference I decided to attend the conference and do nothing. I still went to workshops and attended activities but without any expectation or demands on myself. By doing that I had a different experience than I usually have. I enjoyed the conference much more and I got more out of the workshops. I was actually inspired by one workshop and have been acting on the inspiration.

In both cases doing ‘nothing’ because I couldn’t or because I chose to, resulted in my realizing that I need to take a look at my life and make some changes. Retirement is not in my vocabulary (it may be for others but not for me) but I do not want to keep working as hard as I have been.

The universe is very wise. I’m listening to it.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

I have been going to doctors’ offices for years. I read the magazines and newspapers while I wait. I put my hands on the arms of the chairs as I sit down and get up. I never thought about catching anything in the waiting room or from the examination rooms.

When I got the infection in my eyes I was referred to an ophthalmologist. She diagnosed me with a bacterial infection - conjunctivitis with an allergic reaction to the drops I’d been prescribed by the doctor at the Walk-In-Clinic. She told me I was infectious and to use different towels from others in my household.

When I went to the Emergency Department at the hospital I was diagnosed with Adeno Viral Eye Infection and told I was extremely infectious. The doctor told me that the examination room would be scrubbed down with bleach when I left and he held all the doors open for me so I would not touch them. He told me to get treatment outside a hospital because this virus was so contagious that they feared a breakout in the hospital. I said if I’m that contagious should I go and see the ophthalmologist? He said that ophthalmologists deal with these things all the time.

I went back to my ophthalmologist. Now I was aware that I am highly contagious. There seems to be no concern about contagiousness in the waiting room. I sat down but I did not touch the arms of the chair and I did not handle any reading material (my eyes were too blurry to read anyway).

While I’m waiting my turn, an elderly couple came in. I could tell that they both had been probably six inches taller in their younger life. The husband had a patch over one eye. The husband sat beside me, his upper arm brushing my upper arm. He went into the ophthalmologist’s examination room and came out a few minutes with drops in his eyes to dilate his pupils. He sat down and whispered to his wife, “She thinks it’s Herpes.” and then picked up one of the available newspapers.

I was jolted. Thoughts raced through my mind. I did not want to get Herpes in my eyes. I wondered how he got Herpes in his eye. What’s it like to have Herpes in your eyes? These waiting rooms (sometimes even the examinations rooms if not maintained well) are dangerous places! Who knows what diseases one could catch while getting treatment for a different condition. There is an incubation period between picking up a virus or bacteria and the symptoms manifested by it, so the two may not be connected.

I had some sanitizer in my purse. As soon as I was finished with the ophthalmologist and left the office I put sanitizer on my hands and my arm where I’d brushed up against the elderly gentleman. I was taking no chances.

I’m almost fully recovered now and still being careful. I do not know where or how I got the infection but I can take precautions. As I get beyond this illness I will probably be less vigilant but never as lax as I have been for years.

Wash you hands - lots,

Dr. Bea Mackay

It all started a little over two weeks ago. I went to bed on Saturday night and woke up in the morning with my right eye swollen half shut. I didn’t think too much about it at the time as I could see and was not in any discomfort. I carried on with my day as usual, playing tennis in the morning and hanging out with friends in the afternoon.

On Monday I worked a full day. On my lunch hour I went to the Walk-In clinic across from my office. I was given some drops. I went back to my office and worked the rest of the day. The next day I worked as well. I was not confident that the drops I was given were helpful so I went to the clinic where my doctor works. I could not get in to see her but I saw the doctor on call. He looked at my eye and described it as ‘very angry’ looking. He referred me to an ophthalmologist and was able to get me in quickly. At first it was only my right eye that was infected but by the time I saw the ophthalmologist both eyes were infected. The ophthalmologist diagnosed me with an bacterial eye infection plus an allergic reaction (to the drops I’d been given by the doctor at the “Walk In clinic). I canceled all my clients because I was in so much discomfort I could no longer work and I did not want to risk transmission of the infection.

I took the 3 types of drops as prescribed until Sunday afternoon. By then I was wondering if I was having another allergic reaction because there was no improvement and I was in even more discomfort. By Sunday evening I was in so much pain in my right eye that I went to the Emergency at the hospital. I was diagnosed with Adeno Viral Infection. The Emerg doctor told me it was highly infectious and the hospitals were fearful about an outbreak. I was directed to see my ophthalmologist again to confirm the diagnosis. He said he was “just a lowly Emergency doctor” He said the antibiotics would not help because it was a viral infection but that he would let her tell me to discontinue taking them. When I left hospital, staff were preparing to disinfect the room I’d been examined in. The doctor held all the doors open for me as I left so I did not touch anything.

I went home. I phoned one of my sons who brought me some groceries. He dropped them off at the door and stood back 20 feet. He did not want his baby and family to get infected and I certainly did not want to infect them. I felt like a leper.

I was just beginning a week’s holidays which was good since I could not work. However, I was really upset and angry at having my holidays ruined. I had to cancel out of a mixed doubles tennis tournament that I was looking forward to. I had to cancel several other tennis games I’d set up as well as other activities I’d planned. I was really angry about not being able to play with my grandson. I’d planned to take him out several times while I was on holidays and spend time with him. I was angry about the weather being great and my not able to enjoy it. We’d had a cold spring and this week was great weather. I was angry at about not being able to spend time with others but I certainly did not want to give this infection to anyone else.

With my vision so blurred I basically could not do anything. I could not read. I could not watch TV, It hurt my eyes to be in the sunshine. When I walked my brain was scrambled from constantly trying unsuccessfully to focus.  I’d come home a sleep for an hour or two.

I could talk on the phone but all I did was complain to my family and friends about my holiday being ruined. One evening when I could not think of what to do with myself I pulled out a DVD of Restorative Yoga. A friend of mine, Evelyn Neaman, had produced this DVD and given me a copy. Although I could not watch it, I could listen to it and follow directions. So that is what I did. By the end of the hour I let go of my anger. It was unfortunate that my holiday was ruined but I came to accept that I had an infection and needed to deal with it instead of fight it. This helped me. The next day my eyes did not hurt so much. It felt like I had only three grains of sand in my eyes instead of a hundred. Was it because of the yoga? the meds finally kicking in? or both?

Now, two weeks after getting the infection, I still cannot see out of my right eye. Well, I can see, but my sight is very blurred. I cannot read with my right eye. To read with my left I have to use a magnifying glass. I am writing this blog using touch-typing. I am also using an enlarged font so when I do edit it I will find it easier.

It is not easy to be alone all the time. It is very difficult not be able to do the many activities that I normally do. We take our eyes for granted. I’m concerned about how long it will take to recover. I’m told 2-3 weeks.

But at least I’m not angry - just sad and concerned.

Take care,

Dr. Bea

P.S. If there are any mistakes I’ll have to edit them when I can see better.

Healthy couples have differences that complement each other. The Talker and the Quiet One are attracted to each other. In courtship, this dynamic works as each enjoys the other - a Positive Interactive Cycle.

Often what attracts us to our partner in the first place may be the very thing that we complain about later. The Talkers says it’s like pulling teeth to find out what the Quiet Ones are thinking and feeling. The Quiet Ones complains that the Talkers talks too much and they cannot get a word in edgewise. The Quiet Ones say they are always being interrupted and they cannot finish a thought. The Talkers complain that the Quiet Ones are withholding; they say so little and take too long to say it.

Communication between couples becomes troubled when the dynamic between the couple shifts into a Negative Interactive Cycle. The Talker talks too much and the Quiet One says too little.

How can a couple change this dynamic? First of all, each needs to be willing to take responsibility for their part in the cycle and let go of their partner’s part of the cycle. The only person you can really change is yourself, however, you may be able to influence your partner. When you change, usually your partner changes in response to your change. If each one is changing in positive ways it is possible to get back to a Positive Interactive Cycle.

Second, couples need to allow for experimentation; they need to risk trying new things. Then, they keep what works and forgive and let go of what does not work.

Changes the Talker can make: Be more passive and less active.

1. The Talker can put a period at the end of a sentence and wait for a response.

2. Be more patient and comfortable with silence. Do not view your partner’s silence as an invitation to talk more.

3. Do not interrupt or talk over your partner. When your partner does talk, try reflecting back to them what they are saying. This encourages your partner to say more because they know you are paying attention to their feelings and their point of view.

4. Say it once (or at the most twice). Repeating the same thing in many different ways because you think your partner does not understand is counter-productive. Trust that your partner understands or that they will ask if they don’t.

5. In a warm matter-of-fact tone let your partner know you are waiting for a response rather than start talking again when your partner has not responded yet. You could try the communication skill: Put the Inside Outside by saying, “I’m tempted to start talking again but I’m going to wait for your response.”.

Changes the Silent One can make: Be more active and less passive.

1. Talk sooner. That is, do not take so long to respond. Your partner tends to view your silence as a non-verbal invitation to talk more. Even if you do not know what to say you can start with words like ‘um’, ‘Let me think for a moment’, ‘I’m not sure what to say yet’.

2. Interrupt the Talker using gestures or words; for example, politely hold up your hand. Many Quiet Ones say they never get a chance to talk. What they need to realize is that the Talker is often talking because they are uncomfortable with silence or they are trying to help the Quiet One talk. Many Talkers welcome the Silent One talking because it is a relief for them to stop talking.

3. Reflective Listen. Reflecting back to your partner their point of view and how they feel about it is a way to let your partner know you have understood. When your partner is repeating the same thing in different ways it does not mean they are being condescending, it usually means they want you to understand. Reflective Listening lets them know you got their point and are engaged with them in the conversation.

4. Create the conditions that help make talking easier for you. Approach your partner to talk and ask him or her to listen for a while without interrupting. Chose a time and place that is comfortable for you. Always waiting for your partner to bring up issues causes problems in the relationship. Use the Communication Skill: After the Fact.

5. Share more about yourself. Let your partner know what makes you happy. If you do, your partner will more likely make those things happen. Let your partner know what troubles you. If you don’t, things will build up and you may blindside your partner with an blow-up over a small incident. If you’re not objecting, your partner may believe that what they are doing is OK. This creates resentment for each of you.

With good will and practice the Talker and the Quiet One can get back to a Positive Interactive Cycle.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea