B-Sort Relationship Advice Blog

Getting More Information About the Past

Many people say, “There is no use talking about the past, you can’t change it.” I think it is their idea of how they and other people recover from an event or events that were traumatic. Perhaps it is the only way they know how to deal with difficult painful events and circumstances.

It’s true. You cannot change events that happened in the past. But what you can change by talking about the past is how you think and feel in the present. When you think and feel differerently in the present then the future has new possibilities.

There are many ways that talking about the past helps change the present. One way is to get new information about the past.

An example of this happens in the movie “The Mermaid Chair”. A woman who’s beloved father died when she was 9 goes back to care for her troubled mother. At the time of his death, she was told that her father had died when his boat exploded out at sea. She was not told that,in fact, her father had been terminally ill with a debilitating disease and that he killed himself. Her mother and several other people colluded with each other to assist in his suicide and make it look like an accident. The reason for their secrecy was that the father did not want to live and yet did not want his daughter to think that he abandoned her. (I’m not saying it’s a good movie but the plot makes for a good example). What the young girl had concluded was that she was to blame for his death because, against her mother’s wishes she had given her father a pipe. He would smoke his pipe when he went out on the boat with her. She created a fantasy about how the sparks from his pipe had caused the explosion. Over time, her fantasy became her truth. Because she had disobeyed her mother she never told anyone that she thought his death was her fault.

While she was helping her troubled mother she found the pipe in her mother’s belongings. With this new evidence she realized that she had not been responsible for his death. Her mother and the others told her the truth about his death. All those years she had carried the burden of his death on her shoulders unnecessarily. Finding out the real truth from the past changed how she felt about herself in the present and would influence how she lived in the future.

Thus getting new information by talking about the past can change the present. This can be healing.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

As I drive into the parking lot at the tennis club I see her car. She’s already there. Like me, she’s an early bird and likes to play in the mornings. As I walk into the foyer I see her standing at the computer booking a court for us. Her head is doing it’s Parkinson’s bob making her blond-grey ponytail on top of her head sway. I help her with the booking and then go to the locker room to get my tennis racket. When I come out I see her in the gym pumping iron. She finishes up her final set and we head to the court to meet the other players.

This group is in their 70’s and play regularly Tuesday and Friday mornings. They often invite me to spare for them when they need someone and I am happy to join them. Their hand/eye co-ordination is excellent and they strike the ball fairly hard. While they cannot run well, they consistently place the ball accurately. They are serious about their tennis and get angry at themselves when they miss a shot. They are resigned when they are unable to get to drop shots. When I play with my buddy I do as much of the running as I can for her.

There I am, as usual, the only left-hander with three right-handers. However, my buddy was not always right-handed. Many years ago her left arm was badly injured and she learned to play tennis with her right-hand! As a left-hander I am amazed she can play as well as she can.

After our set I get dressed and go to work. As I’m leaving I see my buddy playing another set. Two and a half hours of tennis - not bad when you’re in your 70’s!

Keep fit!

Dr. Bea Mackay

A mixed message is a message that can be taken different ways. Mixed messages cause lots of communication problems in intimate relationships and in relationships in general.

First of all, you need to know when you’re are getting a double or mixed message. The way you know is by your feelings (confused) and your thoughts (puzzled). These feelings and thoughts are your cues to guide what you say and do in response.

When messages do not match they are incongruent and come in various forms.

1. What a person says conflicts with what they said previously.

2. What a person does conflicts with what they did previously.

3. What a person says conflicts with what they do.

4. What a person says conflicts with their body language.

When you receive a double or mixed message, without expectation or demand for change, send both messages back to the sender.

RETURN TO SENDER: Give both message back as feedback to the sender. Report what was said, what was observed and describe behaviors. When you communicate in this way, the sender is more likely to respond in a positive reasonable way. If you respond in an attacking, blaming, contemptuous or sarcastic manner then the sender is mostly likely to be hurt, angry and defensive.

You cannot control how the sender receives your feedback; you can only control how you deliver it.

WHEN WORDS DO NOT MATCH WORDS: Examples of what to say.

1. Last week you said your think mothers should stay home with their babies (words) and now you’re saying mothers should work outside the home to be good role models for their children (words). I’m wondering which you believe or if you believe both.

2. I’m having trouble figuring this out. You just told me you love me very much (words) and now you’re saying you need some space from me (words).

WHEN WORD DO NOT MATCH BEHAVIORS: Examples of what to say.

1. I don’t get it. You complain about me not helping (words) yet you re-do everything I do (behaviors).

2. I’m confused. You say you want me to be affectionate (words) yet when I touch you, you push me away (behaviors).

3. I’m confused. You said you would help me (words) but now you’re going to the store.

4. I’m puzzled. You said you wanted to spend more time with your kids (words) but when they are here, you often go off by yourself (behaviors).

WHEN WORDS DO NOT MATCH BODY LANGUAGE. Examples of what to say.

1. I’m puzzled. You say you’re fine (words) yet you look sad (body language).

2. I’m confused. You said you like my plans for Saturday night (words) yet the tone of your voice has an angry edge to it (body language).

3. You say you’re listening to me (words) but you have not looked at me (body language), so I’m not sure.

You cannot stop or prevent your partner from sending you mixed messages. What you can do is change how you respond to them. By telling the other about your confusion you are letting them know the impact of their behavior on you. This has the potential to improve communication.

When the other knows they are sending mixed messages, they can clarify. It could be that they are not really conflicted and don’t realize they are sounding or acting like they are.

If the sender is truly conflicted, however, your feedback brings their incongruence to their attention. It’s like holding a mirror up to them so that they can more clearly see themselves. Now, if they want, they can address it. This too, has the potential to improve communication.

Experiment with this skill and see how communication shifts.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay.

Recently, a new client came to see me. Sally was distraught because her spouse had suddenly told her that he wanted out of the relationship. She pulled two cards out of her purse. Her spouse had given them to her in the last 6 months. One card was given to her in November 2007, on their anniversary. In it, he wrote how much he loved, valued and appreciated her. In the more recent card, given to her on Valentine’s Day, 2008, he expressed his love for her just as passionately.

Sally was shocked that he could go from being so in love with her, so solidly in the marriage, to suddenly wanting to end it. She was in despair that he did not want to try to repair the relationship or even give her a chance. She was bewildered at how this could have happened to her. She did not see it coming.

Most of this session focused on her shock and bafflement at how this situation could have happened. She claimed this was totally out of the blue. She was still in denial that her marriage was threatened and it was too soon to accept the reality. Her trust in herself had been shattered. Her self-esteem had suffered a serious blow.

Toward the end of the session she started to mention times that she had sensed that something was just not quite right. Most of those times she simply dismissed her doubts. There were so many positive indicators that everything was solid between them. Occasionally, she would approach her spouse with the mixed message she was getting from him and he would reassure her. She said she would think of the cards he’d given her and dismiss any doubts she might have.

Sally was getting conflicting messages from her spouse but she did not notice. Aside from minor ups and downs, her experience was that the marriage was going well. Mostly she would only hear one of the messages - the one she wanted to hear - that things were good between them. Occasionally she would hear both messages and check it out with her spouse. Again, she got from him what she wanted - reassurance that their relationship was solid. She based her way of being in the relationship on it.

This an extreme case of one spouse being ambivalent in a relationship and the other being 100% committed. I have not seen situations like this often, yet often enough to know that it probably happens more frequently than we realize. In this case, Sally’s spouse was able to hide his ambivalence by doing all the ‘right’ things at all the ‘right’ times.

Most couples in troubled relationships do not go through what Sally and her spouse experienced. It is more common for both partners to be aware that one or both partners are ambivalent about their relationship. Mixed message are frequent and vary with where each is on the Pendulum Swing - just thinking about staying/leaving and acting on staying/leaving.

Some spouses know their relationship is in serious trouble and deliberately ignore the negative part of the mixed messages. They do not do anything to change the situation.

Fearing confrontation they put their head in the sand. They assume it is just a bad patch and hope things will get better soon.

Other couples regularly fight about the mixed messages. Focus is on the negative message sent, usually escalating the distress between them.

One thing is for sure, any partner who is ambivalent about his or her relationship sends mixed messages. There is a range of mixed messages between obvious and subtle. There will be lots of double messages in unhealthy relationships. Even in healthy relationships, while going through the transition from one developmental stage to another, one or both partners may feel ambivalent until the couple consolidates their changes at the next stage.

How the partners handle their own ambivalence and/or their partner’s ambivalence is what is important. Unless there are unusual circumstances it is not healthy to hide your ambivalence about your relationship. I have seen so many people who have not told their partners what is troubling them about their relationships. They have just assumed that nothing can be done and they start to disengage. Their partner does not even have a chance to address the issues because they do not know.

When issues are effectively dealt with, many relationships can be repaired .

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Note: Clients referred to in this entry are fictitious.