B-Sort Relationship Advice Blog

A concept we find useful and intriguing comes from John Gottman’s work. Gottman and his colleagues have been conducting cutting-edge research on marriages for over three decades. Their research methods are fascinating and if you are intersted in learning more about them, look at some of his academically oriented books.

The concept we want to talk about here is bids for connection in relationships. Basically, Gottman and his colleagues found that relationships were not necessarily composed of regular big intense interactions, rather marriages were made up of hundreds, if not thousands, of small moments of connection that would seem mundane to the casual observer. For example, Carl saying to his wife Jessica, “A funny thing happened today at work.” Jessica looks up from what she is doing, and asks “What happened?” The subsequent exchange takes place over the next two minutes or so and then each goes back to what they were doing. In Gottman’s view what just happened was that Carl made a bid for connection and Jessica responded with an example of ‘turning towards’. A bid for connection then is a small invitation to have to contact with your partner. According to Gottman, there are only three possible responses to a bid for connection. 1) turning towards the person who made the bid 2) turning away (most often exemplified by being none responsive). 3) turning against. An example of turning against would be Jessica saying something like “What the hell’s wrong with you? Can’t you see I’m busy?

It’s interesting to think about bids for connection happening all around us every day. Last week I (Bea) was buying a hair dryer. I was at the cashier’s station and the woman behind me told me she bought the exact same hairdryer and that it was really good. I responded by telling her I appreciated her input. We chatted a bit about hairdryers and a bit about her lovely sweatercoat which I admired and then went our separate ways.

I (Warren) find myself viewing casual remarks made by strangers differently than before. For example: now I see the bid for connection in a stranger’s question “How long have you been waiting for the bus?” and in my neighbour’s remark in the elevator, “Your Thai food sure smells good.”

More importantly, we both have come to understand the significance of bids for connection in close relationships.

Imagine a wife making bids for connection to her husband that get ignored repeatedly. How likely is she to continue to try and how might she feel when she finally gives up? How might this influence her receptiveness to his sexual overtures? And, how does the husband feel who makes a bid for connection with his wife only to have her respond with, “Don’t waste my time with another one of your idiotic stories.”

Gottman’s research shows in a compelling way that relationships, good or bad, are made up of a cumulation of many such moments. To learn more about bids for connection and other relationship advice go to www.gottman.com. There you will find free quizzes. One quiz for assessing the bids for connection in your relationship and one to assess how well your relationsihp is doing overall. To find them, go to the Marriage and Couples tab on the website.

Dr. Warren Weir and Dr. Bea Mackay

Do it Yourself Relationship Help at B-Sort.com

We all know communication is important and vitally important to our relationships. Whether it is a work relationship, a family relationship or the relationship with our significant other, being able to communicate, being able to understand and to be understood, is so very important. It is no wonder that when this essential quality falters relationship troubles begin. How to regain your “communication footing” is examined in a section titled Communication Gaps at the website Troublewith.com.

I hesitate to say, “the article titled Communication Gaps” because this website presents the information on its various subjects in a pleasantly unique way. When you look under Relationships on the home page, and then click on Communication Gaps, you are taken to not just one article on the subject, but rather to a well rounded look at the subject through a variety of communication forms. I thought this was beautifully reflective of the subject matter. As it turns out, all the subjects in the Troublewith site are explored in this unique and effective communication style.

Once at the page you see the official title is, Communication Gaps in Marriage, but after reading you’ll see the information is pertinent to any loving relationship. Progressing down the page, the first subsection you come to is called Background Info and through a story and short essay the context of the subject is brought into focus. The next subsection is called Questions and Answers, and as you would expect it explores the subject of communication through this format. Sometimes this format can be a little “dry” but I found both the questions and answers to be very well crafted and the information given was nicely linked with the previous subsection.

After the Questions and Answers comes the Stories. Through four short stories, some may even call them personal essays, communication problems are explored. This way of looking at the subject matter is both engaging and easy to understand. As well as being insightful, these stories also have the additional quality of inspiring the reader. Relationship troubles can be discouraging and the motivation to try and resolve them can wane quickly if progress doesn’t seem to be taking place. By reading about the success of others the determination and the resolve to continue can be reawakened in you.

Following Stories comes the last subsection titled Other Things to Consider. The stories here look at other factors that can contribute to communication problems, and relationship troubles in general. A nice reminder that many factors make a relationship successful and paying attention to them is well worth the effort.

Although the way the subject matter is presented takes a little longer to explore, I found this a nice change from the “text book style” that is often used on other sites. I recommend you take a look for yourself, Communication Gaps.

DM, Contributor

Obviously there are many potential factors that can bring turmoil to a relationship. And often these factors are connected, and they can feed and fuel each other. This phenomenon is clearly explored in an article at the HELPGUIDE.org.

The HELPGUIDE is a non-profit website and it is an excellent resource for health, family and relationship issues. To find the article in question, go to Relationship Help in the Topic Menu and then click on Managing Relationship Stress. This will take you to the article, Dealing with Relationship Stress: How to stay calm and communicate better. (There is a link to the article at the bottom of this post.)

Through a series of short examples the reader is quickly shown how stress can damage a relationship. But the article doesn’t stop here with the obvious; it then goes into specific details about how stress affects your nervous system and your ability to communicate. Once reading about this if you’re not motivated into dealing with stress the article offers an additional list of a few other great benefits that come when you learn how to manage stress.

One way of managing stress is developing the ability to remain calm while you’re in it. The question is how? I particularly like how the article explores this. It provides you with a thorough list of the many qualities that make up a calm state of being.

To continue developing the skill of managing stress the article looks at some common responses to it. The article then encourages you to look at what your personal stress response pattern is. There is a small quiz available to help you find this.

A concise and empowering article and I highly recommend it. You can enjoy it by following this link, Managing Stress.

DM, Contributor