B-Sort Relationship Advice Blog

Research shows that in courtship there are 20-50 positive interactions to every one negative interaction. That is a lot of nice behaviors! No wonder courtship is so enjoyable. In happy marriages there are 5 positive interactions to every one negative interaction. In unhappy relationships there are many more negative interactions to each positive interaction. When there are more positive interactions than negative interactions it is easier to over come or recover from difficulties in a relationship.

Relationships are interactive. You and your partner co-create the dynamics in your relationship. You cannot create what happens between you and your partner all by yourself. Believe this, even if your partner is constantly letting you know in various ways that “It’s all your fault.”

On the other hand, you can make changes all by yourself and those changes will impact upon your partner. Your partner usually, I repeat usually, responds to your changes with their changes. Maybe the change will be positive. Maybe the change will be negative. But be sure, that there will be some kind of change. Keep the behaviors that enhance the relationship and discard those that make it worse.

Begin with small positive interactions. Too much too soon can feel awkward and uncomfortable for each partner.

To be nice is to be kind, considerate, thoughtful, appreciative, helpful, affectionate, caring, thankful, tender and warm. It is also to acknowledge your partners efforts, abilities, talents, skills, sorrows, struggles and hardships.

When you start making changes be prepared for some resistance. Relationships develop repetitive patterns and each partner will have habitual ways of maintaining the status quo. Often when one person changes the other will respond with behaviors that attempt to get their partner to return to the old behaviors. That’s normal because we all like familiarity and find change unsettling. Don’t hold that against your spouse.

Don’t expect positive change from your partner any time soon. Once a partner realizes that the change is for real, he or she will adjust. So be patient. If, your true intent is to control or manipulate your partner, or to show you are better than your partner, then your relationship will become more troubled than it already is. If, in your heart, you are motivated by love for your partner and a genuine desire for a better connection, then the changes will most likely enhance your relationship. Only you can decide the quality of your intent.

Often one partner starts being nice (or nicer) again to their spouse only to find there is no reciprocation. Or worse, the reaction is sarcasm, as in, “Oh, you’re sooo sweet.”. Or just silence. Or skepticism, as in, “What do you want from me?” Or sabotage, as in “Cut the crap.” After a short while the one who initiated change gives up and goes back to the old ways, feeling powerless and even more discouraged.

When you want change, decide to be nicer to your partner without any demand or expectation that they respond in the same way. This is key! If they respond to niceness with niceness - Great! But if they don’t, it probably means they are wary of being taken in and afraid of being hurt (again). By continuing to behave according to your goal of enhancing your relationship, in spite of your partners negative reactions, you will be doing what you want to do. You will feel good about yourself. You will be able to look in the mirror and say to yourself, “I know I am trying by best”. Over time your partner experiences your efforts as genuine and enduring - i.e. believable, not just a flash in the pan. Over time, ongoing positive behaviors are likely to soften resentment, heal hurts and demonstrate genuine intent to improve the relationship.

Whether your relationship endures or not, you have nothing to lose by being nicer to your partner and a lot to gain.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Do it Yourself Relationship Help at B-Sort.com

One of the most common mistakes couples make when they are talking is to attempt to find a solution too early. In general, it is normal for men to jump at finding a solution when their partner starts discussing an issue. Sometimes it is the other way around with women assuming they know what their partner wants or needs before they have enough information.

Men and women have different styles of communicating. As Debroah Tannen describes in her article “Can’t we Talk”, found at www.h2limousine.com, men usually talk to gain status in relationship and women usually talk to make connection.

Before you offer a solution you need to know what the problem is, or , if indeed, there is a problem at all. To find this out, you need to know your partner’s point of view on the issue. What do they think, what do they feel about it, what is motivating their behaviors?

Usually the listener wants to give their point of view before they have clearly and fully heard their partner’s point of view. That is what makes most discussions or arguments go off the rails, morphing into a battle of “I want to tell you my point of view before I hear your point of view” or “I want to tell you what is wrong with your point of view.”
Before you offer a solution, find out more information. Listen closely to your partner’s point of view. Keep it simple, say, “Tell me more.” Be curious. Find out your partner’s thoughts, feelings and actions about the issue. As you listen, avoid being judgmental in words, tone of voice, and other non-verbal gestures (e.g. eye rolling, fidgeting).

When you have done this you will have a better idea whether or not there is a problem. If there is, you will be clearer as to what the solution might be. If the purpose of the discussion was to connect, a solution may not be necessary or even wanted.

When you have done all of this, you can give your point of view and your partner will most likely be open to hearing it.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Do it Yourself Relationship Help at B-Sort.com

I noticed today, January 2, 08, that MSN’s home page has an article for relationship help titled “Beating the breakup blues”.

People break up in all months of the year but November and January have the highest rate. Why? The holiday season is all about family. If you are content in your relationship then you probably look forward celebrating it with your spouse and getting together with nuclear and extended family. If you are very unhappy then you may not want to, or be able to, pretend throughout the holidays. Also, when you see couples that are happy with each other, you hurt even more. Either people cannot face the holiday season because of their troubled relationship or they decide to wait until afterwards. Usually, waiting is for the kids but often, it is for the parents and oneself.

Breakups do not happen overnight. Usually, they have been brewing for months, even years. Often couples break up and reconcile several times before they either finally develop a good working relationship that helps to consolidate their relationship or, they break up permanently. Many couples seek relationship advice from self-help sources and couples therapy before they break up and/or reconcile.

For those of you who have broken up there are some tips in this article on what to do recover faster in a healthy way. It mentions that keeping busy and not focusing on the relationship will help prevent going into a depression. It also recommends avoiding isolation by reaching out to family, friends, and counselors. Go to www.msn.com and type ‘Beating the breakup blues’ into their search window.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Do it Yourself Relationship Help at B-Sort.com

A concept we find useful and intriguing comes from John Gottman’s work. Gottman and his colleagues have been conducting cutting-edge research on marriages for over three decades. Their research methods are fascinating and if you are intersted in learning more about them, look at some of his academically oriented books.

The concept we want to talk about here is bids for connection in relationships. Basically, Gottman and his colleagues found that relationships were not necessarily composed of regular big intense interactions, rather marriages were made up of hundreds, if not thousands, of small moments of connection that would seem mundane to the casual observer. For example, Carl saying to his wife Jessica, “A funny thing happened today at work.” Jessica looks up from what she is doing, and asks “What happened?” The subsequent exchange takes place over the next two minutes or so and then each goes back to what they were doing. In Gottman’s view what just happened was that Carl made a bid for connection and Jessica responded with an example of ‘turning towards’. A bid for connection then is a small invitation to have to contact with your partner. According to Gottman, there are only three possible responses to a bid for connection. 1) turning towards the person who made the bid 2) turning away (most often exemplified by being none responsive). 3) turning against. An example of turning against would be Jessica saying something like “What the hell’s wrong with you? Can’t you see I’m busy?

It’s interesting to think about bids for connection happening all around us every day. Last week I (Bea) was buying a hair dryer. I was at the cashier’s station and the woman behind me told me she bought the exact same hairdryer and that it was really good. I responded by telling her I appreciated her input. We chatted a bit about hairdryers and a bit about her lovely sweatercoat which I admired and then went our separate ways.

I (Warren) find myself viewing casual remarks made by strangers differently than before. For example: now I see the bid for connection in a stranger’s question “How long have you been waiting for the bus?” and in my neighbour’s remark in the elevator, “Your Thai food sure smells good.”

More importantly, we both have come to understand the significance of bids for connection in close relationships.

Imagine a wife making bids for connection to her husband that get ignored repeatedly. How likely is she to continue to try and how might she feel when she finally gives up? How might this influence her receptiveness to his sexual overtures? And, how does the husband feel who makes a bid for connection with his wife only to have her respond with, “Don’t waste my time with another one of your idiotic stories.”

Gottman’s research shows in a compelling way that relationships, good or bad, are made up of a cumulation of many such moments. To learn more about bids for connection and other relationship advice go to www.gottman.com. There you will find free quizzes. One quiz for assessing the bids for connection in your relationship and one to assess how well your relationsihp is doing overall. To find them, go to the Marriage and Couples tab on the website.

Dr. Warren Weir and Dr. Bea Mackay

Do it Yourself Relationship Help at B-Sort.com

We all know communication is important and vitally important to our relationships. Whether it is a work relationship, a family relationship or the relationship with our significant other, being able to communicate, being able to understand and to be understood, is so very important. It is no wonder that when this essential quality falters relationship troubles begin. How to regain your “communication footing” is examined in a section titled Communication Gaps at the website Troublewith.com.

I hesitate to say, “the article titled Communication Gaps” because this website presents the information on its various subjects in a pleasantly unique way. When you look under Relationships on the home page, and then click on Communication Gaps, you are taken to not just one article on the subject, but rather to a well rounded look at the subject through a variety of communication forms. I thought this was beautifully reflective of the subject matter. As it turns out, all the subjects in the Troublewith site are explored in this unique and effective communication style.

Once at the page you see the official title is, Communication Gaps in Marriage, but after reading you’ll see the information is pertinent to any loving relationship. Progressing down the page, the first subsection you come to is called Background Info and through a story and short essay the context of the subject is brought into focus. The next subsection is called Questions and Answers, and as you would expect it explores the subject of communication through this format. Sometimes this format can be a little “dry” but I found both the questions and answers to be very well crafted and the information given was nicely linked with the previous subsection.

After the Questions and Answers comes the Stories. Through four short stories, some may even call them personal essays, communication problems are explored. This way of looking at the subject matter is both engaging and easy to understand. As well as being insightful, these stories also have the additional quality of inspiring the reader. Relationship troubles can be discouraging and the motivation to try and resolve them can wane quickly if progress doesn’t seem to be taking place. By reading about the success of others the determination and the resolve to continue can be reawakened in you.

Following Stories comes the last subsection titled Other Things to Consider. The stories here look at other factors that can contribute to communication problems, and relationship troubles in general. A nice reminder that many factors make a relationship successful and paying attention to them is well worth the effort.

Although the way the subject matter is presented takes a little longer to explore, I found this a nice change from the “text book style” that is often used on other sites. I recommend you take a look for yourself, Communication Gaps.

DM, Contributor