B-Sort Relationship Advice Blog

When I am working with couples I find that partners hear the words each other says but they do not hear the messages sent by the words. They interrupt each other. Some talk over each other. Some feel attacked and defend their positions. Others defend themselves by attacking and accusing the other. The talker talks more and often louder. The quiet one talks less and withdraws even further. The fixer tries to fix. Neither seems to be willing to listen to the other’s point of view until they have had their point of view heard. Often each is caught up in the need to be right or the partner who hates confrontation often caves in in the face of heated emotion.

To help couples change how they interact I facilitate a dialogue between the partners by using myself as a filter. If a couple tells me about an argument or fight they had outside the therapy office I do not know what went on. I did not hear the words. I did not see the body language or the behaviors. In my office, I can see and hear what is going on. I hear the words. I see the body language. I can see what is working well in the relationship and I can build on that. I also can see what is getting in the way. I can intervene and address the problematic interactions right then.

I ask one partner to start to talk to the other about a contentious issue but to do it through me. I listen very carefully to what is said and then I take what is said and reflect it to his or her partner. Sometimes I use the same words and sometimes I say the same thing only using different words. Then I ask their partner to respond to what was said. I do the same thing; I listen carefully, then I take what was said and reflect it back to their partner.

I block interruptions. This forces them to sit and listen to their partner twice, once when their partner is talking and once while I am talking. This forces them to truly listen instead of thinking of their rebuttal while their partner is still talking. Then they get to respond and say whatever they want.

I discourage solutions at this point because the real problem has not been identified. It is counter productive to try to solve a problem when you don’t know if there is a problem or what the problem really is.

The dialogue continues back and forth. Through this process things start to shift. Partners begin to hear the messages the other is sending. They start to understand their partner’s point of view. They learn new things about their partners. Misunderstandings get clarified.

Through this process we are able to discover what the real problem is. Once identified we can explore what changes are possible.

I ask each partner to stop trying to change other. I tell them that the one person you can change is yourself. If you change, your partner will usually respond to your change with change. Of course there is no guarantee that your partner will change or even change in a positive way, but most of the time partners do respond to change with change. Change is what is needed.

I work with each partner right there and then to find changes they can make and are willing to make. I check with their spouse to see that he or she will respond positively to those changes.

Each one is to be responsible for his or her own changes. Each one is to work on their own changes regardless of whether their partner does or not. If their partner does not work on their changes they are to bring that complaint to the next session.

Now something different can happen between the couple. They are to come back next session and report what worked well and what was problematic. We build on what went well and address what is still not working.

With care and concern.

Dr. Bea Mackay

Do it Yourself Relationship Help at B-Sort.com

Research shows that in courtship there are 20-50 positive interactions to every one negative interaction. That is a lot of nice behaviors! No wonder courtship is so enjoyable. In happy marriages there are 5 positive interactions to every one negative interaction. In unhappy relationships there are many more negative interactions to each positive interaction. When there are more positive interactions than negative interactions it is easier to over come or recover from difficulties in a relationship.

Relationships are interactive. You and your partner co-create the dynamics in your relationship. You cannot create what happens between you and your partner all by yourself. Believe this, even if your partner is constantly letting you know in various ways that “It’s all your fault.”

On the other hand, you can make changes all by yourself and those changes will impact upon your partner. Your partner usually, I repeat usually, responds to your changes with their changes. Maybe the change will be positive. Maybe the change will be negative. But be sure, that there will be some kind of change. Keep the behaviors that enhance the relationship and discard those that make it worse.

Begin with small positive interactions. Too much too soon can feel awkward and uncomfortable for each partner.

To be nice is to be kind, considerate, thoughtful, appreciative, helpful, affectionate, caring, thankful, tender and warm. It is also to acknowledge your partners efforts, abilities, talents, skills, sorrows, struggles and hardships.

When you start making changes be prepared for some resistance. Relationships develop repetitive patterns and each partner will have habitual ways of maintaining the status quo. Often when one person changes the other will respond with behaviors that attempt to get their partner to return to the old behaviors. That’s normal because we all like familiarity and find change unsettling. Don’t hold that against your spouse.

Don’t expect positive change from your partner any time soon. Once a partner realizes that the change is for real, he or she will adjust. So be patient. If, your true intent is to control or manipulate your partner, or to show you are better than your partner, then your relationship will become more troubled than it already is. If, in your heart, you are motivated by love for your partner and a genuine desire for a better connection, then the changes will most likely enhance your relationship. Only you can decide the quality of your intent.

Often one partner starts being nice (or nicer) again to their spouse only to find there is no reciprocation. Or worse, the reaction is sarcasm, as in, “Oh, you’re sooo sweet.”. Or just silence. Or skepticism, as in, “What do you want from me?” Or sabotage, as in “Cut the crap.” After a short while the one who initiated change gives up and goes back to the old ways, feeling powerless and even more discouraged.

When you want change, decide to be nicer to your partner without any demand or expectation that they respond in the same way. This is key! If they respond to niceness with niceness - Great! But if they don’t, it probably means they are wary of being taken in and afraid of being hurt (again). By continuing to behave according to your goal of enhancing your relationship, in spite of your partners negative reactions, you will be doing what you want to do. You will feel good about yourself. You will be able to look in the mirror and say to yourself, “I know I am trying by best”. Over time your partner experiences your efforts as genuine and enduring - i.e. believable, not just a flash in the pan. Over time, ongoing positive behaviors are likely to soften resentment, heal hurts and demonstrate genuine intent to improve the relationship.

Whether your relationship endures or not, you have nothing to lose by being nicer to your partner and a lot to gain.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Do it Yourself Relationship Help at B-Sort.com

One of the most common mistakes couples make when they are talking is to attempt to find a solution too early. In general, it is normal for men to jump at finding a solution when their partner starts discussing an issue. Sometimes it is the other way around with women assuming they know what their partner wants or needs before they have enough information.

Men and women have different styles of communicating. As Debroah Tannen describes in her article “Can’t we Talk”, found at www.h2limousine.com, men usually talk to gain status in relationship and women usually talk to make connection.

Before you offer a solution you need to know what the problem is, or , if indeed, there is a problem at all. To find this out, you need to know your partner’s point of view on the issue. What do they think, what do they feel about it, what is motivating their behaviors?

Usually the listener wants to give their point of view before they have clearly and fully heard their partner’s point of view. That is what makes most discussions or arguments go off the rails, morphing into a battle of “I want to tell you my point of view before I hear your point of view” or “I want to tell you what is wrong with your point of view.”
Before you offer a solution, find out more information. Listen closely to your partner’s point of view. Keep it simple, say, “Tell me more.” Be curious. Find out your partner’s thoughts, feelings and actions about the issue. As you listen, avoid being judgmental in words, tone of voice, and other non-verbal gestures (e.g. eye rolling, fidgeting).

When you have done this you will have a better idea whether or not there is a problem. If there is, you will be clearer as to what the solution might be. If the purpose of the discussion was to connect, a solution may not be necessary or even wanted.

When you have done all of this, you can give your point of view and your partner will most likely be open to hearing it.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Do it Yourself Relationship Help at B-Sort.com

I noticed today, January 2, 08, that MSN’s home page has an article for relationship help titled “Beating the breakup blues”.

People break up in all months of the year but November and January have the highest rate. Why? The holiday season is all about family. If you are content in your relationship then you probably look forward celebrating it with your spouse and getting together with nuclear and extended family. If you are very unhappy then you may not want to, or be able to, pretend throughout the holidays. Also, when you see couples that are happy with each other, you hurt even more. Either people cannot face the holiday season because of their troubled relationship or they decide to wait until afterwards. Usually, waiting is for the kids but often, it is for the parents and oneself.

Breakups do not happen overnight. Usually, they have been brewing for months, even years. Often couples break up and reconcile several times before they either finally develop a good working relationship that helps to consolidate their relationship or, they break up permanently. Many couples seek relationship advice from self-help sources and couples therapy before they break up and/or reconcile.

For those of you who have broken up there are some tips in this article on what to do recover faster in a healthy way. It mentions that keeping busy and not focusing on the relationship will help prevent going into a depression. It also recommends avoiding isolation by reaching out to family, friends, and counselors. Go to www.msn.com and type ‘Beating the breakup blues’ into their search window.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Do it Yourself Relationship Help at B-Sort.com