B-Sort Relationship Advice Blog

Remembering the Past in More Detail

An example of over remembering the past in more detail comes from my own experience. In my thirties I did some major work on myself in therapy. One day, during a session, I recalled a memory from my early childhood. I don’t remember what we had been talking about at the time, I just remember my experience.

The Memory: I was three years old. I remember that because we still lived in the house on the farm. We moved from that house before I turned four. My mother, brother and I were standing in front of the wood stove popping popcorn. We were all crying.

That was all there was to the memory. It was not a new memory. Any time I had thought about it I was puzzled. I could not make sense out of it. Why were we crying? We were making popcorn. Popcorn was a special treat in those days. This was not like making popcorn today. Back then, my mother would scrape the small black kernels off the cob, put them into the frying pan and they would noisily POP into fluffy white yummy pieces of popcorn. It was magical, especially to a three year old. So why were we all crying?

By the end of this session nothing more had come from my recalling this memory. I left the therapist’s office and went about my day. But I could not stop thinking about it. I knew - I just knew - that there was something very important in this memory. For the rest of the day I was in my own little bubble.

That evening I made dinner as usual, put the kids to bed as usual and then went to bed at 8:00 pm, earlier than usual. I just wanted to be by myself so I could continue to think about this memory. I lay there in the dark, visualizing the scene over and over. Later my husband came to bed and I pretended to be asleep. I just did not want to be interrupted. I continued to lie there for hours thinking. Finally! At 4:00 am I got the answer.

I had always thought that we were all crying about the same thing. But as the memory became clearer I realized that my brother and I were crying because our mother had just strapped us. I don’t remember what for. (This was the late 40s and spankings were considered part of good parenting. People often quoted the Bible: “Spare the rod and spoil the child.”) My mother was crying because she felt badly about what she had done to us. She was making the popcorn to make up to us for what she’d done.

Then the memory all made sense to me. I always thought when my mother strapped us kids that she wanted to do it. What I got from the memory was that she had ‘lost it’ and she could not help herself. I may have been only three but I was there.

I felt a flood of forgiveness for her. I felt relief. I felt a release. I fell into a sound peaceful sleep.

This changed my relationship with my mother in a positive way. I was different with her and she responded to my change with change of her own.

The change in the present did not stop there. Before I had this revelation I was the type of person who was warm and affectionate with family and friends but not with acquaintances or strangers. I did not like people I did not know well to touch me and I did not touch them. In the next days after I experienced this huge shift I found myself spontaneously reaching out and touching others. Also, I found myself liking it when people were physically warm with me. I didn’t think about it; it just happened. I’m not sure why this change occurred, but I liked it. The change has lasted to this day.

It is not always possible to remember more about a past event but it can sometimes happen when people reminisce about the past. In therapy people often do remember more about a past event, especially if they deliberately focus on the past. It also happens that new memories of other events come to mind that shed more light on the original memory.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Guilt is a tremendous waste of energy. It does no one any good.

Guilt is all about feeling bad. Using guilt, you can make yourself feel bad, make someone else feel bad, manipulate yourself into doing something that you don’t want to say or do, manipulate others into saying or doing things they don’t want to say or do. Using guilt, if you let them, others will manipulate you into doing something that you don’t want or need to say or do.

Guilt is grounded in standards and values. Standards and values are expressed with words such as - must, have to, ought to, obligated to, vowed to, should, responsible for, etc. The most used word is ’should’.

I should work harder. I mustn’t talk so much. I should lose 10 pounds. I have to exercise more. I ought to drink less. I should go to church more often.

You can ’should’ on yourself and you can ’should’ on others. It’s a guaranteed way to make yourself and others feel bad.

Wants and needs are expressed with words that describe what we want or don’t want, what we need or don’t need, our preferences, passions, interests, tastes, etc.

I want to work with people. I need to feel wanted. I love music. I am fascinated with antique cars. I need some exercise. I need quiet to focus. I love holding my grandson. I hate licorice. I don’t want to travel any more. I don’t need as much sleep as I used to. I’m crazy about tennis.

When we feel guilt, either of our own making or from what others say or do to us, it is often because our (or someone else’s) standards and values are opposed to our wants and needs.

E.g. I should visit my friend in the hospital more often.

You may not like hospitals so you avoid visiting your friend. You are also busy in your life and have difficulty finding the time to go. You value your friend and have a standard of how friends interact so you make yourself feel guilty for not acting accordingly. Or, you use the guilt to make yourself visit your friend. People often do or say things, not because they want or need to but in order to stop or avoid feeling guilty.

Sometime guilt is employed to avoid confrontation or to control your own impulses. Perhaps you’re mad at someone but you feel it is risky or unsafe to be angry with that person so you turn the anger back on yourself. Only you experience the anger as guilt. “I should not be angry. I’m a bad person. There must be something wrong with me.” There is less danger of confrontation; there’s less danger of losing control of your own impulses. And, you feel bad.

Guilt is energy. When you feel guilty, turn that energy into productive action:

If you are religious or spiritual shift the energy of guilt into prayer. Prayer is the action of sending energy to God. You can pray for God to help you. You can pray for God to help others.

For example, When you feel guilty about not visiting your friend in the hospital shift from feeling guilty into praying for your friend.

Prayer is something you can do for your friend, no matter where you are or what you are doing. Praying for your friend will help you feel good about yourself. Guilt is passive, it does not do your friend any good. Prayer is active and may help your friend. There have been scientific studies that show that prayer is effective. Guilt is negative energy going round and round inside your head and body. Prayer is positive energy going outward into the universe.

This does not mean that you wont visit your friend. When you feel better about yourself you are more likely to visit, or contact in some other way (phone, email, card, flowers), because you want to, not because you should.

If you are not religious then consider how the universe is made up of energy. The sun is energy. Gravity is a force. Wind is energy. X-Rays give off energy. The human body emanates heat.

When you feel guilty turn the energy of guilt into positive vibes and send them out into the universe or send them to yourself. Sending positive vibes makes you feel good about yourself and about others.

This is using your energy productively, effectively and wisely. When people feel good about themselves, they are more likely to live by the standards and values that they hold. They don’t need guilt to make them do it.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Last week a fellow asked me to spare for him in a doubles tennis match. I am a C level player. Even though the level of the match was higher than I usually play I said I would. As a spare, I did not have to be concerned about winning or losing. I knew I could just enjoy playing.

During the warm-up I was rallying with one of the opponents. I noticed that she was aggressive even though we were just warming-up. Then we started to play. Well, she was more than aggressive, she was downright nasty. She hit the ball right at me, not once, but several times. I had never experiences such a cutthroat on the court before. This was not a tournament; it was just a regular Wednesday night game. Her behavior was over the top. My partner, a man I had never seen before, mumbled to me that he had played with her before and vowed never to play with her again.

My normal reaction, when I meet someone like this, is to get anxious and tighten up. I get triggered and regress to a younger age. In tennis, when I get tight, I hit the ball all over the place, usually nowhere where I intend to hit it. Afterwards, I’m down on myself for playing so badly. But this night something different happened for me. For some reason I thought it was really funny and I started to chuckle to myself. Laughing at the absurdity of the aggression allowed me to began to relax, and as a result, I started to play well.

In fact, I began to play at a level higher than I had ever played before. Of course I enjoyed this and chuckled to myself even more because I was having fun. My partner started enjoying the play too and we played well together. Cut throat Carla started commenting that I was ‘hot’. This made it even more fun. I was not nasty to her; I just focused on playing the best tennis I could. I had a blast playing that game. Every time I think of it I smile and chuckle to myself.

What surprised me most was my own reaction: What normally would have been a bad experience for me turned into a fun one. I was different and others responded positively. This was not something I consciously decided to do. It just happened and I surprised myself. It reminds me of the night I climbed Mount Sinai - when I least expect it sometimes strange but wonderful new things can happen.

Now that I’ve experienced this little example by accident I wonder if I can decide to respond this way when confronted by similar situations. Maybe I can get myself laughing if I say, “Hey, remember Cut Throat Carla!” and I’ll relax and have fun.

In fun,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Do It Yourself Relationship Help at B-Sort.com

This little question, “What am I feeling?” opens up a discussion far too vast for this tiny little post to properly address, but despite this obvious limitation, this post is still valuable because it can act as a beginning. It can act as a beginning, and it can act as a reminder, a reminder that knowing what you’re feeling is an important, even an essential part of a successful loving relationship.

And if, at this particular time of reading, you are experiencing a few bumps in your relationship, asking yourself this question, and then attempting to answer it, can move you closer to resolving those troubles and returning your relationship to a state of smooth sailing.

To begin this beginning properly, I have to point out that to answer this question, to discover what you are feeling, you do indeed have to feel your feelings. To many, this is obvious, but there are few people out there who think they can answer this question without actually feeling their feelings. These people think they can just look at their relationship and then decide how they should be feeling. Then they declare without an ounce of anger that, “I am feeling angry.” But even if their evaluation is bang on, there is no way of getting around it, to truly know what you’re feeling you have to feel your feelings. But like many other things in life, this is easier said then done.

You see, those people who opt to evaluate how they should be feeling, rather than actually feeling their feelings often do so not out of some kind of malevolence, but because they have become separated from their emotions, and they are not alone.

We each have our own unique ways of separating ourselves from our emotions. And we each selectively choose which emotions, among the full range of emotion, to stay connected to and which to separate from. We have already chosen, even if that choice is by default, which emotions to keep at a distance, and we each have our own unique ways of maintaining that distance. But then the question is put, “What are you feeling?” It is no wonder that we can suddenly find ourselves at a bit of a loss in answering, even when we know how essential it is.

This is where outside help can be invaluable. Whether that is going to a counsellor individually or with your partner, or by using the B-Sort, getting an outside perspective can help you reconnect with what you are feeling. And for those of you who have no problem feeling your feelings, an outside perspective can help you to clarify your feelings, and it can help you give them priority.

Reconnecting, clarifying, prioritizing your feelings - an outside perspective can absolutely help you with this, but it is valuable to be able to do this yourself. It is valuable to be able to respond to the question, “What am I feeling?” all by yourself.

To be continued…