Breaking up is especially difficult when only one wants to end the relationship.  The one who is left is in a great deal of emotional pain from the grief and loss.  He or she also feels powerless to do anything about their circumstances.  Often they do not know how to handle the pain, which feels unbearable and seems never ending.  For some people, shifting into anger seems to alleviate their pain.  Actually, anger just masks pain.  But masking the pain may be preferable to feeling it.  The pain does not go away; it just goes underground and influences behaviors in negative ways.

Sometimes breakups turn ugly.  One or both parties start behaving in ways that are inappropriate, perhaps even frightening.  Behaviors such as stalking, threatening verbally and physically, name calling, complaining to your friends/co-workers, making unwanted phone calls, sending unwanted text messaging and emails, damaging property, stealing from your partner and worse, make a breakup ugly.

Scenario 1) John finally ended his two year and half relationship with Mary after months of vacillating back and forth. It was not working out for him and he did not want to invest any more of himself in it.  Mary was devastated and she pleaded with John to give her another chance. John’s resolve weakened and they did reconcile for a few months.  But the same unpleasant dynamics between them repeated, so he ended it again. Mary refused to accept the breakup.  She kept calling John and begging him to reconcile.  She kept driving by his home.  She left messages on his car.  She called his friends trying to solicit their help.  She sent him ecards, long hysterical emails and emotional text messages.  John felt sorry for her and would take her calls and answer her messages.  He kept explaining in a caring way that the relationship was over for him.  When John was nice to Mary, her hopes for reconciliation increased.  She tried harder to have contact with John.  She knew that her behavior was harming what little relationship they had left, yet she could not stop herself.  John’s compassion for her shifted into disgust.  He felt badgered and victimized.  He avoided all contact with her and after several months Mary gave up.

Scenario 2) After breaking up and reconciling five times, Judy decided to end her 4 year relationship with Marty for good.  As before, Marty begged and pleaded with her to take him back.  When she wouldn’t, Marty became angry and bitter.  He started making phone calls and hanging up.  He started threatening her.  At first he would make statements such as ‘You better watch out.”  Then the statements escalated into “I’m going to kill you.”  Judy was frightened and did not know what to do.  She was afraid to talk to her parents. She talked to all of her friends trying to figure out what to do.  She talked to him and told him that he was frightening her, but it did no good.  Sometimes he would switch from bitterness to apology but when she would not agree to give him another chance he shifted back into anger and rage.  He wanted her to hurt as much as he was hurting.  When he saw the fear in her eyes and heard the fear in her voice, he knew he was still able to have an impact on her.  It was not the impact he wanted to have but it was better than feeling powerless. One time when he saw her going into a pub with another guy he keyed her car.  The destructive action gave him some relief from the pain of seeing her with another guy. (All scenarios are fictitious).

The same recommendations apply here as in How to Handle a Breakup

Additional recommendations:

Be pleasantly matter-of-fact

If you have to have contact, be pleasantly matter-of-fact.  There may be many reasons that you have contact during and after a breakup.  People build defenses against loving and angry behaviors, but they do not build defenses against pleasant matter-of-fact behaviors.  When you talk to your ex-partner in a neutral tone that does not have an edge to your voice, you are more likely to influence him or her in a positive way, perhaps not in the moment, but later.

Keep contact to a minimum.

Do not receive or respond to phone calls, emails or text messages. Turn off your cell phone at night, even during the day, if necessary.  If your ex-partner arrives at your door at 3:00 am do not let him or her in.  The less contact you have with your ex-partner, the less either of you will be upset.  Ignoring contact tends to lessen contact.  There are certain phone calls you have to take, in particular, around custody and access of children/pets and financial matters. Make contact only when necessary.

Keep responses to a minimum.

Make short simple statements and repeat without adding more. Do not keep explaining repeatedly in the hope that your ex-partner will understand.  Most hurt partners do not want to understand. When you have contact, make precise simple statements that are to the point and repeat them in a matter-of-fact manner without adding anything more.

Examples:

Getting back together is not a possibility.

I’m not willing to try again.

The relationship no longer works for me.

I want what is best for the children.

It’s not OK to say things like that.

Take all threats seriously.

Realize that your ex-lover is in a great deal of grief and loss and that the threats are coming out of the pain.  However, that does not make what they are saying or doing OK.  While you need to take all threats seriously, if your ex-lover has no history of violent behavior it is unlikely that he or she will become violent.

NOTE: If you ex-lover does have a history of violence then you should take great care to protect yourself and avoid contact.  You should also keep a low profile for many months, as seeing you get on with your life without him or her may fuel their grief/rage.

Mute your own emotions during contact.

As best you can, do not show hurt, fear or anger.  Ex-partners, who are being nasty, want to influence you; if they cannot do it in a positive way they will resign themselves to achieving it in a negative way.  For them, any influence is better than none.

Downplay threatening behavior.

If at all possible, ignore inappropriate, hurtful and nasty behaviors. You do not want to fuel behavior that is not OK.  If your ex-lover treats you badly in any way, the best way to handle this behavior is to ignore it.  If you have to respond, make a brief matter-of-fact statement, such as “It’s not OK to behave that way.” Do not add anything more. Repeat if necessary, then ignore.

Seek out resources among your family, friends and community.

Set up a friend, family member or counselor to call.  When you are in emotional pain it is natural to miss you ex-partner whether you initiated the breakup or your partner did.  Men find it helpful to call a female friend when they are struggling with their emotions. Do not call your ex-partner when you are in pain, lonely or missing them.  If you have someone that you have arranged to call when you are in distress, you are less likely to call your ex-partner.

Reach out.  When you are worried by your own behavior or your ex-lover’s behavior, it is wise to talk to and be with someone you trust  - a person who will help you handle yourself and the breakup in a healthy way.

Look after yourself

However your breakup unfolds, look after yourself by connecting with those you love and trust.  See professional help if you need to.  You do not want to repeat any of your behaviors that are unhealthy in a new relationship.  Now is the time to learn about yourself and make the changes you need to make.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Breaking up is difficult to do even when it is mutual. Usually both partners are in emotional pain and miss the other.  Often they still love each other but in spite of trying so hard, just cannot make it work.  Both feel like fish out of water because they are not in a relationship yet not ready to be single either.  People, newly broken up, do not know how to be with family and friends, and family and friends are not sure how to handle family members who are newly broken up.  What if they reconcile?   It is a confusing time when one’s personal life goes from order into chaos.

Recommendations:

Be respectful

Respect is important during relationships and while ending them.  Respectful behavior is less likely to provoke hurtful, inappropriate or nasty behavior.  Also, you want to know that regardless how difficult the situation is you can look in the mirror and respect yourself for how you handle the breakup.

Trust in your ex-lover’s inner resources

People are very resourceful. Believe, given time, he or she will recover and get on with their lives.  Most people are in a new relationship within two to four years.  If you believe this, even if you don’t say anything to your partner, you will convey to him or her that you believe they have resources. This will help them believe in themselves, help them believe that they can recover and move on.

Do not send mixed messages

Because there are always good parts to every relationship people usually still have some loving feelings for their ex-partner when they end a relationship.  If not loving feelings, then feelings of concern for them.  Partners who do not want the relationship to end will focus on any message that indicates a possibility of reconciliation. When you end a relationship, give your ex-lover only the message that the relationship is over.

Do not try to be friends - yet

A romantic relationship needs to fully end before a friends-only relationship can begin.  Take time apart before you attempt to re-engage as friends.  This way, you will more likely be able to salvage the friendship.

Confide in a trustworthy person

People who talk about their experiences during a breakup do better than those who do not. It helps to articulate what you are thinking and feeling, as well as get feedback.

Choose wisely who you to talk to?  It could be a best friend or family member who can be trusted to keep confidences.  However, sometimes friends and family are not able to act as confidants for various reasons.  Perhaps they cannot keep what you say confidential.  It could be that it’s too difficult to see their loved one in pain.  Perhaps it is shaking up their own relationship.  Or, it may be that they have an agenda about your breakup.  Also, if there is a possibility of reconciliation, family and friends may view you and/or your partner differently because of what you told them.

Seeing a counselor or psychologist is an option.  It allows you to explore and express yourself without concern of negative judgment or how it will impact on your other relationships.  What you disclose will not come back to bite you.

Reach out

Keep busy without burying yourself in work.  Now is the time to do things and have contact with other people even if you do not want to.  Call family and friends you’ve neglected, learn new skills, take courses, and hang out with those that care about you.

Look after yourself.

Dr. Bea

Note:  Handling breakups respectfully speaks well of you to future partners.

Believe it or not, good feelings can sometimes be uncomfortable, especially if you are not used to them.  There is an adage that addresses this concept - Be Careful what You Wish for, You May Get It. Many a lotto winner has blown their winnings.

Positive feelings such as excited, happy, intense, safe, close, successful, contented, warm, love, confident, touched, ecstasy (the natural feeling not the drug induced one) and others are normal feelings.  Most people are familiar with these positive feelings because they experienced them in childhood.  They experience them as natural so they enjoy them.   Sometimes though, when positive feelings are extremely intense, even people who enjoy good feelings may have difficulty handling them.

I remember when I had my first child.  He was a tiny infant sleeping in his bassinet.  I tiptoed into his room and peeked at him.  As I looked down at him a strong wave of love welled up in me.  I was startled and frightened by the intensity of it.

People who had troubled childhoods often have difficulty handling positive feelings because they have little or no experience with them.  Or, when they did have good feelings, family members, neighbours, teachers or other kids ruined them by mocking or trashing them. While people long for positive feelings and like it when they get them, they may still have a hard time enjoying them, especially over extended periods of time.

Scenario:

Jane started photography as a hobby.  She took a few courses and found out she enjoyed it.  She was surprised when she was encouraged to enter her work in contests by her instructors, classmates and friends.  She was unsure of herself and could not bring herself to enter in any contest.  But her best friend entered her work in a contest and to Jane’s surprise and delight she won. She obviously had an ‘eye’ for it.  Very quickly she became so successful that she was easily able to earn a living at what had been just a hobby and for fun.  She was excited and happy, yet also uncomfortable.  It was too easy.  It was too good to be true. She felt like she was in a bubble and that any day the bubble was going to pop.  She felt like an impostor, fearful of being found out.  She could not enjoy her success.

As she honed her craft, she learned why her work was so good.  It took a while but gradually Jane was able to accept that she had a talent that was not going to go away.  She learned to trust herself and believe in her abilities. She gained in confidence.  She relaxed and grew comfortable with the new feelings.

When things are going well yet you are unable to feel comfortable, breathe through the positive feelings.  Rather than deflecting or blocking the good feelings, stay with them for as long as you can and continue to breathe through them.  (A side effect of breathing deeply for a time is light-headedness. Don’t be concerned about it.  It’s from the excess oxygen you’re taking in) Over time the good feelings will become familiar, comfortable and enjoyable.

Relax and enjoy!

Dr. Bea