B-Sort Relationship Advice Blog

People tend to make happen what they fear

Why? What we fear is the experience of difficult feelings. In an attempt to avoid the uncomfortable sensations of difficult feelings we inadvertently behave in ways that create them.

Scenario: Mary adored her father. When she was 12 her father left her mother.  Although he told Mary that he loved her, he did not make time for her in his life anymore. She felt abandoned.  She also saw her mother struggle trying to make a new life for herself while taking care of Mary and her brother.

When Mary was in her early 20’s she met and fell in love with a great guy she met at the gym where she worked out.  They became a couple.  Mary wanted to be with him all the time.  At first he felt deeply loved by her attachment to him.  But after awhile he started to feel trapped and smothered.  He started to complain about her constant need to be with him or know where he was and who he was with.  He began to find reasons to be away from her.  She felt panic and fear that he would abandon her. The more he pulled away the more Mary tried to hang on to him.  Ultimately, he abandoned her.  The pain of abandonment was extremely hard for her. She unknowingly created that very feelings she was trying to avoid.

What we really fear is the experience of abandonment, embarrassment, failure, rejection, being left out, grief, loss, and vulnerability.  The sensations of panic, jealousy, feeling exposed, powerlessness, disappointment, hopeless and many more.  Fear, too, is a feeling that is difficult.  Often what happens is people fear fear itself. Then what people do, or don’t do, is determined by whether or not they think they can avoid difficult feelings.  The feelings come to rule their life.

But the truth is, the way to get rid of difficult feelings is to do the opposite - feel them, stay with them and breathe through them.  This way the brain can process the feelings and transform them into different better feelings - healthy feelings.

It is important to pick the right time and place to do this.  It takes time to do this as the part of the brain that emotion is in, works more slowly than the part of the brain that reasons and analyzes.  Often it is wise to wait until you can find the appropriate time and place to feel your difficult feelings.  Once you do, then take the time you need to access and express the difficult feelings to the depth.  Feelings come in waves. Breathe through the feelings as they rise and subside. The feelings will shift and change in a positive way. It may take a few times of doing this to completely process the difficult emotion.  But then it will be gone.  You will no longer need to fear this emotion.  You will no longer need to manage it. You will seldom think about it. This means you are free to live your life the way you want.

Rather than avoiding your feelings, breathe through them,

Dr. Bea

Actually both partners are defensive but they have very different styles. The expression The Best Defense is a Good Offense describes the style of the Attacker. When the Defensive One brings an issue or problem up to their spouse, the Attacker feels attacked and defends him or herself by attacking the Defensive One with real or imagined wrongs. The Defensive One defends himself. The interaction between them shifts from the Defensive One trying to resolve a problem between them to the Defensive One ‘on the ropes’ explaining and defending what their spouse has just accused them of. The original issue the Defensive One brought forward gets lost. The Attacker has deflected the issue so he or she no longer has to deal with it.

Scenario 1) In his business Randy does a lot of entertaining of business associates, mostly in restaurants, but often dinners at home as well. His wife Erin does not mind this although it is a lot of work. What really bothers her is that Randy changes as soon as his business associates enter the home. To her, he treats her and the children like second-class citizens. When Erin complains to Randy, he accuses her of not wanting to help him in his business and of not being a supportive wife. Erin reacts by denying his accusations. She can never get him to acknowledge her complaint so it can never be addressed. His behavior does not change. She starts to resent entertaining for her husband and resents him. Intimacy suffers.

Scenario 2) George was concerned about his children. He felt Mary was too hard on them and he tried in many different ways to bring his concern to Mary. He also felt she was too hard on him but he was more concerned about the children than himself. Every time he tried to address his concern with her she felt attacked as a mother and defended herself by attacking him. She accused him of being too lenient with the children. George knew this was true because he was trying to compensate for what he thought was her harshness and usually defended his actions. She accused him of undermining her as a parent and not standing with her as a team. She attacked his character, accusing him of being a wimp and a poor role model for the children. She attacked him for not being a good husband. If things escalated further then she attacked his family and his friends. George would end up defending himself, the kids, his family and friends. His issue got lost. He felt resentful and withdrew from the relationship. Intimacy suffered.

The Defensive One is confused. They usually do not understand what just happened. After many interactions like this one the Defensive One no longer wants to bring up an issue because they know it will be turned around on them. Now there is no way for them to address an issue. Intimacy suffers.

The Defensive One needs to shift from being defensive to standing their ground when they are attacked. This is much easier said than done. It helps if the Defensive One realizes that the Attacker is feeling vulnerable too yet is hiding it in the attack. If one does not feel vulnerable there is no reason to avoid issues your spouse brings to you.

Scenario 1) Erin learned to change how she was reacting to her husband when he attacked her. She stopped defending herself. She told him that whatever issues he has with her can be addressed another time. Right now, she was dealing with the issue of how he changed when business associates came into the home. At first Randy kept attacking her but she held her ground by saying , “That may be so but right now I’m talking to you about how you change when you have business associates over. I’m not going to address your concerns right now, I am willing to address them later. Right now I bring up an important issue that is of concern to me. I need you to hear me.”

Finally, when Randy’s attacking did not work, he reluctantly listened to what Erin had to say. During the talk he had difficult acknowledging that he was doing what she was complaining about yet after their talk, he did change. Erin was appreciative of the efforts he made to change. She was more affectionate with Randy and he really like that.

Scenario 2) George finally understood that Mary took his concerns as an attack on her as a mother. When he brought up his concerns with her he reassured her that he thought she was a good mother and he had concerns about her trying too hard to be a good mother. At first, Mary kept attacking him but George did not shift into defending himself. He stayed on the issue he was bringing up. He did not get derailed although it was very difficult for him not to shift into defending himself or just give up. Eventually Mary could hear his reassurance. She finally was able to consider George’s concerns. Mary did soften her stance with the children and George showed his appreciation with more affection and attention. Mary felt closer to him as a result. She also had more respect for him.

The Best Defense is a Good Offense is one of the most difficult dynamics between spouses to change. First, you have to realize what is going on. Awareness is the key to change. You cannot change what you do not know. If you are always defending yourself and your issues keep getting lost, this dynamic may be going on in your relationship.

When each spouse realizes their part in perpetuating the dynamic and takes responsibility for it, change is possible. Change yourself. Change your HOW. After an initial escalation, spouses usually respond to positive change with positive change, as long as there is good will in the relationship.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea

Partners who are both reasonable are likely to get along well. They are not likely to need couples counseling, or if they do, it may be their mutual reasoning that guides them to seek counseling. They collaborate and feel good about each other as a result.

However, there are many couples in which one partner is reasonable and the other is not. I see them in my practice. The reasonable one continues to reason even though reasoning does not work. The unreasonable one continues to do (or not do) what they want. The relationship deteriorates. Intimacy suffers.

But it does not mean that the couple should not be together. It means they need to work differently.

Scenario 1) Barbara noticed the railing was loose on the balcony of their home. She brought it to the attention of her husband, Drew. He was busy with work and said it was OK. Barbara knew he was busy and gave him some time. She was concerned though that someone could get hurt if the railing gave way. She kept bringing it to his attention, reasoning with him that someone could get hurt and they could be liable. Barbara had to be vigilant that the children and visitors stayed away from the railing. Drew said she was overreacting.

Scenario 2) Brian kept track of the finances. He noticed that his wife’s spending was exceeding their budget and he complained to her about it. He reasoned with her that if overspending continued, they would get into serious financial difficulties. Cindy heard his words yet continued to overspend, justifying her purchases or hiding them from Brian. He felt out of control about their debt and pulled away from Cindy, spending more time with his family.

Couples tend to do the same thing over and over with each other even though it does not work. If they did the same thing at work they would get seriously reprimanded or even fired. But many couples frustrate each other by playing out the same dynamic repeatedly.

What is the function of unreasonableness? Why would a spouse be unreasonable?

To be reasonable is to be open to change. Unreasonable people do not want to change. By not being open to reason they can continue to do what they want and not do what they do not want to do. Also, to be reasonable increases intimacy, which some people have difficulty handling even though they want it.

When reasoning does not work, shift to strategies.

Reasoning is a good way to start out addressing an issue with your partner. If they respond positively, great, you can work through the problem. If they respond in the same old way, then shift to strategies.

Consequences effect change. How to achieve change is to figure out a strategy that has consequences built into it.

Scenario 1) Without anger and in a matter-of-fact tone Barbara told Brian that she was going to give him until the end of the month to fix the railing. If it was not done by then she was going to hire someone to repair it. When the end of the month came and the railing was still not fixed, Barbara got a couple of estimates to have the railing repaired. She showed the estimates to Drew. She told him she was going to choose one of them and get the railing fixed. When Drew realized that she was serious about getting the railing repaired, he found time to fix it himself. He wanted to do it himself to be sure it was done right. Barbara offered her help and did what she could to make it happen. They had fun doing it together and each was please once it was done. They felt warm toward each other.

Scenario 2) Brian realized that reasoning with Cindy was having no effect. He consulted with someone at the bank about possible changes he could make. Without anger and in a matter-of-fact manner he told her that he was concerned about their financial situation and because he cared about their relationship, he was going to take steps to bring the finances under control. He gave her a time frame of two months and said if she continued to over spend he would put all of their credit cards in the bank safety deposit box and they would operate with cash only. After two months it was clear that Cindy still was overspending so Brian followed through and put the cards away. This forced Cindy to deal with the reality of the situation. When talking it through, an underlying problem came to light - Cindy was resentful of all the time Brian spent with his family. They then addressed directly the issue of spending time together.

HOW you handle the shift from reasoning to planning and carrying out strategies is critical to making the change successful and relationship enhancing. If you want to show your spouse who is in control or you want teach your spouse a lesson, then expect a negative response to even the best strategy you could offer. Resentful spouses tend to sabotage even when they know they will hurt themselves.

If you proceed with good will and with the intent to make life for all better, strategies have a very good chance of working. Because your partner knows your doing it out of caring for him or her (and the family), they tend to cooperate and collaborate. Intimacy grows.

With Care and Concern,

Dr. Bea

I’d frequently heard that the people in Paris were unfriendly and unhelpful.

After attending the conference in Manchester my friend and I took the Chunnel to Paris and hung out there for a few days. We found the people very friendly and helpful. Our hotel was on the outskirts of Paris yet close to the Metro. We found it really easy to get around Paris on the M. When it came time to leave, the friendly staff at our hotel told us it was 60 Euro’s to take a taxi to the airport and 8.60 Euro’s on the Metro - a big difference. So we decided to take the M even though they said it would be difficult. I stayed on a day longer than my friend which meant we each went on our own.

The difficult part was the luggage. I had one medium size suitcase on wheels. I made sure that everything was packed into the one suitcase. I had to change trains three times. There was not always a lift (elevator) to use, which meant carrying the suitcase up and downstairs. I was not looking for help, yet twice I was offered help to carry my suitcase, once by a woman and once by a man. People helped me getting on and off the trains by pushing the button on the door and making room for me on the train. At the airport there were different stops for different airlines. One of the staff made sure I was getting off at the correct stop.

I was surprised and very grateful. My assumptions of Parisians people have changed.

If anyone reading this blog knows anyone in Paris, let them know I appreciate their friendliness and helpfulness.

Happy, but tired traveler,

Dr. Bea

P.S. I wish I was fluent in French.

I have not been blogging for a while now. My last entry was when I was still dealing with the infection of my eyes. I was able to recover in time to attend a long-planned-for conference in Manchester, England. After the conference one of my friends from the conference and I took the Chunnel over to Paris for a mini holiday. Paris was hot! I got back late last Thursday (sooner than my luggage) and have been recovering from jet lag and general after-holiday-letdown. So that is why I have not been blogging.

One of the things that my illness taught me was that I’m working too hard. The only way I could be stopped from working at my private practice, blogging, playing tennis, driving, reading, watching TV and using the computer would be to shut down my eyes. Even going for a walk was difficult because although I could see, everything was blurry. My brain kept trying to focus my eyes and was scrambled from the strain. Because I was contagious I could not see anyone. I quarantined myself and spent a lot of time alone. I could talk on the phone and did. My friends were a good support. Not being able to do things forced me to stop and think about my life and what is going on. Having nothing to do, or rather, having nothing I could do, was wonderful. What a change! What relief! The pressure was off. I slept a lot. I’m enjoying the blogging yet trying to do two blogs a week, as well as work full time, is a lot. And there’s having a life too.

I attend this particular conference, AAGT (the Association for the Advancement of Gestalt Therapy) every two years. Usually I do a workshop or two at the conferences. I tried to put in a proposal but the deadline came and went and I just could not get it done. I took that to mean I was not meant to do a workshop this time. There’s the universe sending me messages again. So, because I had done so much work on the last conference I decided to attend the conference and do nothing. I still went to workshops and attended activities but without any expectation or demands on myself. By doing that I had a different experience than I usually have. I enjoyed the conference much more and I got more out of the workshops. I was actually inspired by one workshop and have been acting on the inspiration.

In both cases doing ‘nothing’ because I couldn’t or because I chose to, resulted in my realizing that I need to take a look at my life and make some changes. Retirement is not in my vocabulary (it may be for others but not for me) but I do not want to keep working as hard as I have been.

The universe is very wise. I’m listening to it.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea