Posted on Friday 2 May 2008
People often ask questions when they are really making statements. Sometimes this is intentional but mostly people don’t even realize they are communicating in this way.
Some examples:
“Do you want to see a movie tonight?” may actually be “I want to see a movie tonight and I want you to come with me.
Are you leaving now? may actually be “I don’t want you to leave now.”
“Don’t you have to be somewhere by 8:00?” may actually be “I want you to leave so I can get back to what I was doing.”
“Did you take out the garbage?” may actually be “ If you have not taken out the garbage I’m going to be mad at you because I have to do the bulk of the household chores. The least you can do is take out the garbage.”
“Are you coming to bed soon?” may actually be “I’m feeling randy and I’m hoping I can entice you into making love.”
“Have you done your homework?” may actually be “If you have not done your homework you’re going to be in trouble because I need you to do well in school.”
“What are you doing?” could really mean “I don’t like what you’re doing!” or “I really like what you are doing!”
Usually the person being asked this kind of question takes it at face value, as a request for information, and answers accordingly. This may develop into an argument that neither want to have on a topic that is not the real issue.
If a husband asks his wife – Do you have to go out tonight? – she may explain that she has made a commitment and needs to keep it. “I promised Janie I’d have coffee with her.” or “ I need to get groceries.” The conversation may escalate into an argument about whether or not she really has to go or that she is going out too much. Perhaps she feels he’s trying to control her.
What the husband is actually saying is “We’ve both been really busy lately and I would like to spend some time with you?” If he had made this statement, his wife would know what is really going on with him and be able to respond to the real issue. She could generate options. She could set up a time to be together soon. She could come home early. She could put off what she was going to do to another time. Depending on the situation, she could invite him to go with her. Now the couple is communicating clearly with each other. Each feels cared about rather than frustrated.
Usually a question is just a question - a request for information. But many questions are really disguised statements with the sender’s real message hidden within them. When that happens people can feel interrogated, manipulated, attacked or put on the spot. When questions are disguised statements a person can feel set up and get defensive. These kinds of questions create resentment which leads to lots of arguments and poor communication. After awhile spouses become wary of any questions. Before long relationships deteriorate.
By making statements instead of asking questions communication remains clear. The real issues are more likely to get addressed in a friendly, respectful and even caring manner.
With care and concern,
Dr. Bea Mackay
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