B-Sort Relationship Advice Blog

A mixed message is a message that can be taken different ways. Mixed messages cause lots of communication problems in intimate relationships and in relationships in general.

First of all, you need to know when you’re are getting a double or mixed message. The way you know is by your feelings (confused) and your thoughts (puzzled). These feelings and thoughts are your cues to guide what you say and do in response.

When messages do not match they are incongruent and come in various forms.

1. What a person says conflicts with what they said previously.

2. What a person does conflicts with what they did previously.

3. What a person says conflicts with what they do.

4. What a person says conflicts with their body language.

When you receive a double or mixed message, without expectation or demand for change, send both messages back to the sender.

RETURN TO SENDER: Give both message back as feedback to the sender. Report what was said, what was observed and describe behaviors. When you communicate in this way, the sender is more likely to respond in a positive reasonable way. If you respond in an attacking, blaming, contemptuous or sarcastic manner then the sender is mostly likely to be hurt, angry and defensive.

You cannot control how the sender receives your feedback; you can only control how you deliver it.

WHEN WORDS DO NOT MATCH WORDS: Examples of what to say.

1. Last week you said your think mothers should stay home with their babies (words) and now you’re saying mothers should work outside the home to be good role models for their children (words). I’m wondering which you believe or if you believe both.

2. I’m having trouble figuring this out. You just told me you love me very much (words) and now you’re saying you need some space from me (words).

WHEN WORD DO NOT MATCH BEHAVIORS: Examples of what to say.

1. I don’t get it. You complain about me not helping (words) yet you re-do everything I do (behaviors).

2. I’m confused. You say you want me to be affectionate (words) yet when I touch you, you push me away (behaviors).

3. I’m confused. You said you would help me (words) but now you’re going to the store.

4. I’m puzzled. You said you wanted to spend more time with your kids (words) but when they are here, you often go off by yourself (behaviors).

WHEN WORDS DO NOT MATCH BODY LANGUAGE. Examples of what to say.

1. I’m puzzled. You say you’re fine (words) yet you look sad (body language).

2. I’m confused. You said you like my plans for Saturday night (words) yet the tone of your voice has an angry edge to it (body language).

3. You say you’re listening to me (words) but you have not looked at me (body language), so I’m not sure.

You cannot stop or prevent your partner from sending you mixed messages. What you can do is change how you respond to them. By telling the other about your confusion you are letting them know the impact of their behavior on you. This has the potential to improve communication.

When the other knows they are sending mixed messages, they can clarify. It could be that they are not really conflicted and don’t realize they are sounding or acting like they are.

If the sender is truly conflicted, however, your feedback brings their incongruence to their attention. It’s like holding a mirror up to them so that they can more clearly see themselves. Now, if they want, they can address it. This too, has the potential to improve communication.

Experiment with this skill and see how communication shifts.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay.

Recently, a new client came to see me. Sally was distraught because her spouse had suddenly told her that he wanted out of the relationship. She pulled two cards out of her purse. Her spouse had given them to her in the last 6 months. One card was given to her in November 2007, on their anniversary. In it, he wrote how much he loved, valued and appreciated her. In the more recent card, given to her on Valentine’s Day, 2008, he expressed his love for her just as passionately.

Sally was shocked that he could go from being so in love with her, so solidly in the marriage, to suddenly wanting to end it. She was in despair that he did not want to try to repair the relationship or even give her a chance. She was bewildered at how this could have happened to her. She did not see it coming.

Most of this session focused on her shock and bafflement at how this situation could have happened. She claimed this was totally out of the blue. She was still in denial that her marriage was threatened and it was too soon to accept the reality. Her trust in herself had been shattered. Her self-esteem had suffered a serious blow.

Toward the end of the session she started to mention times that she had sensed that something was just not quite right. Most of those times she simply dismissed her doubts. There were so many positive indicators that everything was solid between them. Occasionally, she would approach her spouse with the mixed message she was getting from him and he would reassure her. She said she would think of the cards he’d given her and dismiss any doubts she might have.

Sally was getting conflicting messages from her spouse but she did not notice. Aside from minor ups and downs, her experience was that the marriage was going well. Mostly she would only hear one of the messages - the one she wanted to hear - that things were good between them. Occasionally she would hear both messages and check it out with her spouse. Again, she got from him what she wanted - reassurance that their relationship was solid. She based her way of being in the relationship on it.

This an extreme case of one spouse being ambivalent in a relationship and the other being 100% committed. I have not seen situations like this often, yet often enough to know that it probably happens more frequently than we realize. In this case, Sally’s spouse was able to hide his ambivalence by doing all the ‘right’ things at all the ‘right’ times.

Most couples in troubled relationships do not go through what Sally and her spouse experienced. It is more common for both partners to be aware that one or both partners are ambivalent about their relationship. Mixed message are frequent and vary with where each is on the Pendulum Swing - just thinking about staying/leaving and acting on staying/leaving.

Some spouses know their relationship is in serious trouble and deliberately ignore the negative part of the mixed messages. They do not do anything to change the situation.

Fearing confrontation they put their head in the sand. They assume it is just a bad patch and hope things will get better soon.

Other couples regularly fight about the mixed messages. Focus is on the negative message sent, usually escalating the distress between them.

One thing is for sure, any partner who is ambivalent about his or her relationship sends mixed messages. There is a range of mixed messages between obvious and subtle. There will be lots of double messages in unhealthy relationships. Even in healthy relationships, while going through the transition from one developmental stage to another, one or both partners may feel ambivalent until the couple consolidates their changes at the next stage.

How the partners handle their own ambivalence and/or their partner’s ambivalence is what is important. Unless there are unusual circumstances it is not healthy to hide your ambivalence about your relationship. I have seen so many people who have not told their partners what is troubling them about their relationships. They have just assumed that nothing can be done and they start to disengage. Their partner does not even have a chance to address the issues because they do not know.

When issues are effectively dealt with, many relationships can be repaired .

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Note: Clients referred to in this entry are fictitious.

Recently, I went to my friends’ wedding. They had been living together for about five years. The story of their relationship is unusual and deeply romantic.

A mutual friend introduced them to each other. After only 15 days and less than a total of 24 hours of contact during those 15 days they moved in together. Everyone thought they were crazy. I thought they were foolish. It seemed like a recipe for relationship disaster.

Almost from the moment they met they have been in love with each other, one a little more quickly than the other. Whenever we saw them together we could see how they adored each other. I saw them fight once. Their fighting is passionate too yet their relationship never looked to be in jeopardy. Over the the five years their love grew and then deepened. We all watched it happening and marveled. To me, their love for each other is almost palpable.

This is not a young couple. Each has been married before and each has children from a first marriage. One is a grandparent. Their new relationship has not always been easy. One suffered a life threatening illness and they faced it together.

For me, this couple reminds me of the magic that can happen between two people. It is not so unusual to fall in love so quickly but it is unusual to move in together so soon. I would never recommend it. However, for this couple it has worked. They prove that it is possible.

This couple also remind me that deep love can happen at any age. Love is not just for the young. It reminds me that love can happen more than once in a lifetime. When I see it happen it is proof that it’s possible. It’s not just a fairy tale.

The bride was gorgeous in her long strapless red dress. She already had this fabulous red dress and did not want to spend money on a new dress. She loves red and looks stunning in it. She is a passionate woman. Her unusual choice was fitting for this couple and for the story of their romance.

Believe,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Do It Yourself Relationship Help at B-Sort.com

Often when couples are in a troubled relationship they break up and get back together again many times. There are good aspects of the relationship that keep couples coming back to each other. Once they are reconciled the issues or problems of the relationship come to the foreground and the couple, still unable to resolve them, break up again. In the April 2008 issue of Psychology Today, the article On-again, Off-Again states the reason for this pattern stems from relationships that deep down are probably not right. Fundamentally, there are differences in standards and values that the couple cannot resolve such as dishonesty, irresponsibility, unfaithfulness, abuse and life-style. Or, there are differences in wants and needs such as sex, intimacy, companionship, comfort and security.

Temporary separations are not necessarily a bad thing. Many couples have separated over the course of their relationship at some time or another. Sometimes the separations are overt and other times they are disguised as holidays (sometimes as short as a couple of days), visits to extended family, or work related. A temporary separation can help a couple reorganize their relationship.

Couples develop dynamics between each other over time. When that dynamic is troubled separating can throw the dynamic into chaos. Out of the chaos partners, who still care about each other, can develop a new dynamic that works for them. This means that each partner changes permanently. For example: A couple break up because their fighting escalates to the point where an incident of physical abuse occurs. Then they reconcile with the agreed premise that physical abuse is crossing the line that neither want to ever cross again. Each changes in how they fight and resolve issues.

Most couples in troubled relationships break up and reconcile one or more times before the final break up. This stems from the emotional pain caused in breaking up. Often, each is in such pain that they reconcile to stop the pain. Then once they are back in the relationship the intolerable problems of the relationship push them to separate again. The emotional pain in ending a relationship and breaking up a family unit can be excruciating. Some couples stay together to avoid this pain.

There are couples who love each other passionately yet cannot live together. They cannot find a way to resolve their differences. There are celebrity couples who demonstrate this. Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton married and divorced twice. Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee also married and divorced twice.

Reconciliation often occurs because starting over is difficult and uncomfortable. Very few relationships are all bad. Partners often hang on to the good aspects of the relationship because they cannot face starting over or they cannot tolerate being alone.

Often partners confuse the emotional pain of separation for love. One or both partners may think, “If I am in so much emotional pain it must mean I still love my partner”. This can be true and a separation may make this realization possible. If it is mutual, the couple reconcile with renewed commitment to each other. However, often it is grief, not love, that is experienced when couples break up. Grief for the loss of the bond that forms when partners live together and marry as well as when they form family units. Grief for the loss of the good parts of the relationship that they may never find again with anyone else. Grief for the loss of the hopes and dreams that once were a part of the relationship.

It is healthy to grieve the losses. They are significant. It is important to grieve because individuals who grieve recover fully and are able to engage in life again.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Do It Yourself Relationship Help at B-Sort.com