B-Sort Relationship Advice Blog

I was doing the after-Christmas-shopping thing picking up discounted deals on wrap etc. I was in the checkout line waiting for my turn with the cashier. There was a man a couple of customers ahead of me who had his hand on the counter. I noticed that his ring finger on his left hand was bare but there was an indent where a ring had been. The depth of the indent on his finger struck me. It had obviously been there a long long time.

I looked at what he was buying - sheets and pillow cases. Hmmmmm. I guessed he has just separated from his wife (maybe family too) and is now setting up his own place. I could not see his face as he had his back to me. I felt sad. I thought that he is probably in a lot of pain (even if he is the one who wanted out). As that old song says, “Breaking up is hard to do”.

I know marriage shapes us. This was proof, small but dramatic, of how marriage can impact us physically not just emotionally.

I wonder how long it will take for his finger to recover its original shape?

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Do it Yourself Relationship Help at B-Sort.com

Many years ago when I was a new counsellor, a woman came to see me. It was her first session with me and the first time ever seeing a therapist. She was stiff and anxious. It was very clear to me that she did not want to be here. She blurted out, “My 14 year old daughter from my first marriage is trying to break up my second marriage.” I wanted to put her issue with her daughter aside for the moment so I asked her to tell me about her marriage. To help her talk in depth about it I asked her to sit in a different chair and tell me only what was negative about it. She had lots of complaints. I listened and validated her feelings. To tease out the positive from the negative I asked her to switch to different chair and tell me only about the positive things in the marriage. She did not usually think much about the positive so this was not as easy for her. As she told me about the positives she became teary and sad. I don’t remember exactly what I said but it was something about how she was missing the good things in the relationship. She acknowledge that was true. Then I told her what I thought was going on for her - that she was very lonely in the marriage. When I said this she cried deeply. I helped her access and express her lonliness in depth.

At the end of the session I addressed her issue with her daughter that she had started the session with. I told her that I did not think her daughter was trying to break up her marriage so much as her daughter was very attuned to her unhappiness and was concerned about her. I did not give her any directions. We booked another session.

The next week she came back. Without preamble, she brusquely said to me, “I did not need to come today.” It kind of took me aback. Then she told me what had happened after last week’s session. She said when her husband came home from work she asked him to come into the living room. She said they started to talk and their discussion got loud. Her daughter came out of her bedroom to see what was going on. She told her daughter that she was taking care of this and to go back into her bedroom. Her daughter did as she was told. She said they continued to talk and that they talked with each other in a way they had never done before. They talked heart to heart about many things. They would argue, yet keep talking. She said they cleared up many incorrect assumptions that each had made about the other. Later in the week, to her surprise, her husband attended a parent/teacher’s meeting with her for the first time. She thought he did not care about her three daughters. He told her he thought she did not want him involved with them so he had just backed off.

She was pleased and relieved. In her curt manner she said she did not need to come again. I validated her efforts to make change and her courage in reaching out for professional help. I did not say so, but I also thought she enjoyed sharing her success with me and perhaps I was the only one she could share it with.

I thanked her for coming back to tell me what happened when she did not need to. I told her that if she had not come back I would have thought the session had not been helpful to her.

I never saw her again.

As a counsellor new to the work, this client taught me something I’ve never forgotten - that it is possible to facilitate significant change in a first session and in a single session. If a client does not come back, it MAY mean the session was not productive and that they did not connect with me, OR it may mean it was productive and that they do not need to come back or could not afford to come back. That has proved true over the years.

With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Mackay

Do it Yourself Relationship Help at B-Sort.com

A concept we find useful and intriguing comes from John Gottman’s work. Gottman and his colleagues have been conducting cutting-edge research on marriages for over three decades. Their research methods are fascinating and if you are intersted in learning more about them, look at some of his academically oriented books.

The concept we want to talk about here is bids for connection in relationships. Basically, Gottman and his colleagues found that relationships were not necessarily composed of regular big intense interactions, rather marriages were made up of hundreds, if not thousands, of small moments of connection that would seem mundane to the casual observer. For example, Carl saying to his wife Jessica, “A funny thing happened today at work.” Jessica looks up from what she is doing, and asks “What happened?” The subsequent exchange takes place over the next two minutes or so and then each goes back to what they were doing. In Gottman’s view what just happened was that Carl made a bid for connection and Jessica responded with an example of ‘turning towards’. A bid for connection then is a small invitation to have to contact with your partner. According to Gottman, there are only three possible responses to a bid for connection. 1) turning towards the person who made the bid 2) turning away (most often exemplified by being none responsive). 3) turning against. An example of turning against would be Jessica saying something like “What the hell’s wrong with you? Can’t you see I’m busy?

It’s interesting to think about bids for connection happening all around us every day. Last week I (Bea) was buying a hair dryer. I was at the cashier’s station and the woman behind me told me she bought the exact same hairdryer and that it was really good. I responded by telling her I appreciated her input. We chatted a bit about hairdryers and a bit about her lovely sweatercoat which I admired and then went our separate ways.

I (Warren) find myself viewing casual remarks made by strangers differently than before. For example: now I see the bid for connection in a stranger’s question “How long have you been waiting for the bus?” and in my neighbour’s remark in the elevator, “Your Thai food sure smells good.”

More importantly, we both have come to understand the significance of bids for connection in close relationships.

Imagine a wife making bids for connection to her husband that get ignored repeatedly. How likely is she to continue to try and how might she feel when she finally gives up? How might this influence her receptiveness to his sexual overtures? And, how does the husband feel who makes a bid for connection with his wife only to have her respond with, “Don’t waste my time with another one of your idiotic stories.”

Gottman’s research shows in a compelling way that relationships, good or bad, are made up of a cumulation of many such moments. To learn more about bids for connection and other relationship advice go to www.gottman.com. There you will find free quizzes. One quiz for assessing the bids for connection in your relationship and one to assess how well your relationsihp is doing overall. To find them, go to the Marriage and Couples tab on the website.

Dr. Warren Weir and Dr. Bea Mackay

Do it Yourself Relationship Help at B-Sort.com

All couples need to have a way to work through their differences and resolve problems. The first year of living together is about figuring this out. Some couples, through trial and error, are able to figure it out all on their own. Other couples are not; they limp along struggling with each other, often repeating the same fight over different issues.

When you are learning to cook you find a receipe for what you want to cook, you get the ingrediants, you follow the receipe and get a result. When you’re learning you may have to do it many times before you get the result you want. You may have to adjust the receipe. You may have to consult with an more experienced cook. Eventually you figure it out. With experience, you get good at it.

A good working relationship is the receipe you use when you deal with the differences between you and for resolving problems. It is the process that the two of you go through to handle interactions in your relationship. It could even be handling good things. I once worked with a couple who had won a small ($50,000) lotto prize and they were fighting about it.

In good working relationship each partner is able to bring to their partner difficulties they are having individually and with each other. Their partner is open and available to address the issues. The couple talk the issues through, hear each other’s point of view and each other’s experiences - positive and negative. Perhaps nothing needs to be done because misunderstandings get cleared up and assumptions are clarified.

If change is needed, the couple brainstorm changes that might work for them. Usually no one makes unilateral changes. They make the decisions together. They are emotionally connected in a good way. Neither feels alone in the world. They have a successful partnership. They work well together.
With care and concern,

Dr. Bea Makcay

Do it Yourself Relationship Help at B-Sort.com